I Know Who I Am

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 20:17:00 EST

I Know Who I Am

I know who I am. I am me. I'm a man. I was raised by my mom and my dad and was always seen as a smaller and younger version of my dad. As I was growing up, I always seen myself as just that, a younger version of my father.

I was in my mid 20s when my father passed away. I was lost for a long time when that happened. I had no-one to look up to for advice or to know how to be a good father or even to be a man. For a long time, I prayed to God to let my father talk to me or even to pass a message to him for me. I was desperate for my father's guidance and support. My father had meant the whole world to me growing up, but now I was lost.

I was lost for over ten years. During that time, I had divorced, raised my two sons on my own, became a manager at my work place, built my own home, and re-married after ten years by myself. My sons were now teenagers and I was hitting 40 years old. It took me some time to really look back at my life over the past 40 years to realize that I was not a younger version of my father. I was someone else. I was my own being. I had my own decisions to make and life to live. I had my own family, my own home, my own career, and my own self. And I was just then realizing that fact. That's a shame. It had taken me over 40 years to finally understand that I was NOT my father.

I have talked to quite a few other men about their relationship with their fathers and have come to realize that I am not alone in my feelings. It seems that over half of the men that I have talked to have had similar inner issues to deal with and a few are still having those same problems. The bonds that are formed between fathers and sons are extremely strong. Weather you spent a lot of time together or a small amount of time doesn't seem to make any difference. The desire to become a man like your father, is a desire that you will have no matter who you are or what you have accomplished in your life.

The realization that I am NOT my father has made a huge impact on my life in the last couple of years. At first I was lost, wondering who I was. It wasn't a decision that could be made overnight. This was going to take some time. I decided to try very hard to find out who I was deep down inside. I needed to find out what was in my heart, my feelings, my mind, my self, and my very soul. I couldn't look at the last 40 years though, because I had been living in my father's shadow. It was now time to step out and see me on my own. I needed to find me and not worry about any shadow. Where was I going to start?

I started by asking my sons who they thought I was. How did they see me? What kind of man had I become and how was I doing as a father? Was I kind and gentle, or a total failure as a person and father? I wanted their true feelings and I needed to hear it from their heart. How did they really feel about their dad? Over-all they seemed to see their dad as a good person that is trying very hard to do the right thing. They see the compassion, the love, the understanding, the family, and the man that I am. What they don't see is their grandfather.

This little "father / son talk" took longer than I expected. As a matter of fact, it's still going on today. My sons have told me everything I wanted to know, plus a whole lot more! Although they are both only in their late teens, their interpretation of me has been invaluable. Evaluating myself over the last couple of years has been the liberation that I needed. I am now starting to see myself. It's as if I'm looking into a mirror. In the past I was true to my father. Now, I am true to myself. I now see me in a whole new light. The image is still fuzzy and a little out of focus, but I do recognize that person that is looking at me. I see that he is a man, he has accomplishments, he is a father, and most importantly that he is proud. My quest to know who I am is still an ongoing process even today, but at least I'm on my way.

It has taken me all my life to get to the point of finding out who I am. I have decided to not be in a hurry, but to continue getting to know the new / old me. I cannot live in my father's shadow. I am not my father, or even a younger version of him. I am me and now I am getting to know who I am. I think I will tell my sons to read this article so that they can learn to become themselves.

"Know Thy Self". Those three simple little word from Socrates are of significant importance, but have only recently become important to me. They will make a world of difference to you also, if you have payed attention to my words. I NOW know who I am. Do you?
Author- Michael

Lessons Learned

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 20:16:00 EST

Lessons Learned

I had a bad experience in my life, but learned a lesson too; I got caught up in a bad situation. Here is what happened:

Me and a couple of friends were hanging out at before school in the courtyard. One of my friends came up to me and asked if I wanted marijuana. At first I told him no, but then I thought about it and I did not want him to think I was a wimp. We (three of us) went to the boy�s bathroom and smoked in there. When we were done we walked out and went in the courtyard. A couple of minutes later the bell rang so we went to class. About halfway through class the assistant principle walked in the class and looked around for a minute and walked back out. At first I thought nothing of it. Later on the bell rang and I waked out of class and into the hall and out the other set of doors leading to the balcony. Once on the balcony I heard someone yell �hey you!�! I looked over and the assistant principal was pointing at me. I said �Who me.�? He told one of the campus advisors to escort me down to him. As I was walking down with the campus advisor, I asked her �what was the matter� she said �someone identified you with a yellow triangle on your shirt�. I said �okay does he know how many people have this shirt�? She did not say anything.

Once we reached the assistant principal, he told me to come inside with him. I said �ok�. Once we got in his office, the campus deputy walked in the room. I thought to myself, I know what is going on. After we all sat down the assistant principal asked me �did you smoke pot in the boy�s bathroom�? I said �no�. He did not believe me so he took my backpack and started looking through it. So I said �go ahead, you are not going to find anything�. He said �we�ll see�. Once he was done, after not finding anything, he left and went into another room. Later on he came into the room and said �wait a minute and you can go�. I said �cool�. He walked out, then came back in and said �he�s busted�. Then the deputy left with him. They both came back in and said �You smoked it out of a can and said that someone found the can�. I said �that�s cool but you got the wrong person�. He told me to sit in the other room and wait.

Ten minutes later he came back out and said �your dad is on his way�. Once my dad showed up, the assistant principal told him the whole story. I got suspended for the rest of the week and could come back on Monday.

The lessons that I learned were that 90% of all drug busts come from school and not to do it because it can mess up your life. My mom has been through it. That should have been lesson enough for me, but I experienced it myself. Now I�m in the plus program for school. It is a program that teaches you what drugs can do to you and what your future will be like when you are on them. I go every Thursday. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I learned it.
Author- Anonymous

My Self-esteem" Stories from real Men and Teen Boys

I Know Who I Am

Lessons Learned