Self-esteem for Men

How to Keep a Journal and What are the Benefits

webmaster@mensselfesteem.com — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 09:00:00 EST

How to Keep a Journal and What are the Benefits

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How to keep a journal and what are the benefits

Keeping a journal is a very effective way of learning more about yourself and enables you to show yourself more respect, acceptance, compassion, and support. Every man can open the door to self-understanding. Keeping a journal can improve your happiness, according to academic research, although what you write is important. In our case here, writing about your thoughts and feelings of the day and what triggered those thoughts and feelings will increase your self-awareness and untimately increase your self-esteem. Also, one of the most important things for a man that is journaling to remember is that the real value of a journal is the record being created. A journal can serve as a set of minutes to your life, and so it comes down to the writer to decide what thoughts and events are worth noting.

Is it manly to keep a jounal? In order to answer this question, you must ask yourself another question. What is it that makes a man manly? That's a much bigger question with a much bigger answer. Only you can answer that question, because you have an idea in your head that is different from everyone elses. Being manly is different for every man. Now back to the original question; does keeping a journal fit into your idea of being manly? I have answered that for myself already. I keep a jounal and write in it almost daily, and I also consider myself manly.

Usually men resist keeping a journal because they think they aren�t good enough writers, or that someone will read their innermost thoughts or that they have much more important things to do and not enough time. Don�t worry about spelling or grammar. This isn't going to be graded by anyone, ever. Remember, you would be writing for you and not anyone else. Don't write what you don't want others to read. This journal is for you and there is no need to write down what may get you into trouble. If you have that much to hide, you probably won't be keeping a journal in the first place. If you must, a journal can be locked up or hidden if you're concerned about others seeing what you write. I think all of us can set aside up to 15 minutes just before sleep to write something in a journal. Don't be afraid to unlease yourself.

There�s nothing like putting pen to paper to instill you with a sense of optimism, anticipation and excitement about your goals or aspirations. Writing in a journal will help you with focus and support, and can easily enhance a man's life and well-being. Whether you laugh or cry, whether through sorrow or joy, you can understand more about yourself, and other people, through keeping a personal journal. No matter how you do it, when you capture your thoughts, events, and people that matter to you, you can understand and remember all of those things better.

what are the benefits of keeping a journal?

Reduced stress
Stronger relationships
Better organizational skills
self-awareness
Better focus
Better solutions for your problems
Know yourself better
Self-understanding
Personal growth
Enhanced intuition
Better creativity
Captures �Life�s Story"

Steps for Keeping a Journal:

Step 1:
Buy a journal or notebook of a convenient size and shape. Make sure it's large enough to write in comfortably, but small enough to tuck into a briefcase or backpack if you will often take it with you. Note: Make sure the journal has acid-free paper if you want to preserve your words indefinitely. You don't have to use a fancy leather-bound, handmade book that cost you 80 bucks either. All you really need is a cheap composition notebook. If you WANT to use a fancy journal, thats OK too. It's not about using a fancy book, its about tapping into your stream of thoughts and writing them down. If you don't have time to write by hand OR don't like your handwriting, try typing your journal. Additionally, I have provided a place in the MensSelfesteem.com Forum for any man to create a personal online journal.

Step 2:
Choose a pen with permanent ink, especially if you are writing a journal for your posterity. Some inks will fade with time. Don't ever worry about erasing.

Step 3:
It is best to determine a regular schedule for writing. I keep my journal next to my bed and next to my alarm clock where I will see it every day. If desired, you can write in your journal when you feel you have something worthy of recording, or if you keep a small travel sized journal that you can write in any time of the day. I know a few men that keep a small journal in their back pocket and write in it thoughout the day. They say that if you do something for 30 days, it becomes habit. So, in theory, if you write something in your journal for a month, it will become a compulsion.

Step 4:
Find a quiet place where you will not be interrupted. Some people need to play music to get in the mood, some people need silence, and some people need lots of noise. I write in my journal after I get into bed, and just before I turn off the light. The point is to sink into a habit of writing that doesn't feel like homework, but more like an escape.

Step 5:
Remember the purpose of your journal before you write. Add sketches, doodles, quotes, news clippings, song lyrics, and personal experiences as you see appropriate. Put whatever you want in your journal. Only with time and practice will you begin to realize that its not that you sometimes have something worth writing, but that you ALWAYS have things worth exploring inside your head. You will be learning about yourself.

Step 6:
If its been a while sinse you wrote in your journal, go back and read the last few journal entries to get you in the spirit of writing again. Notice your moods and emotions as well as the subject matter, and think how they relate to how you are now feeling.

Step 7:
Start writing. Remember that you are not limited to any subject or style (unless you have set those limits based on the kind of journal you are keeping) and that you should include your deepest feelings along with facts and observations. Don't be afraid to let yourself go, and avoid trying to weigh your writing critically.

Tips for Writing a Journal:

Promise yourself that you will write a minimum of once a day.
Don�t worry about spelling or grammar.
Don�t censor what you write. You are writing just for yourself, so your journal will contain whatever you want to write about.
There is no expertise required, no minimum time required, and you don�t lose any benefits if you miss a day.
Make writing in your journal a habit.
Sometimes, it helps to keep a journal on a particular topic. (I know one guy that keeps a journal only for the ball team that he coaches).
Keeping a journal as not a time-consuming ordeal. Make your entries as short or long as you want. One line entries or even 3 pages long is just fine.

The benifits of keeping a journal are huge and every man can better themselves from doing so. Keeping a journal is being responsible for your self-growth, and ultimately, your self-esteem. You will become more aware of what you like, what you don't like, better solutions to problems, what triggers issues for you, and have a better over-all focus on your life. There are plenty of reasons to keep a journal. Weather it is for a biography, coaching a ball team, self-growth, or even a family journal, the point is to pick one and keep at it.

Author- Michael Lafrinere

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I need professional help, but what kind?

webmaster@mensselfesteem.com — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 10:54:00 EST

I need professional help
but what kind?

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There is a huge difference in distinctions for help-professionals. The table below shows those basic differences. Most people don't know it, but 80% of them need a life coach more then anything else. A life coach deals with the whole person and not just a small part of them. Life coaches bring out your potential. This potential is usually not known to the client, but felt until working with the life coach. The life coach can bring realization to your life, and also how to better handle your life. The life coach draws from you what you want and what you are capable of, then works with you to accomplish these goals.

Therapy	Mentoring	Consulting	Coaching
Deals with a person's past and trauma, and seeks healing	Deals mostly with succession training and seeks to help someone to do what you do	Deals mostly with problems and seeks to provide information (expertise, strategy, methodologies) to solve problems	Deals mostly with a person's present and seeks to guide them into a more desirable future
Doctor-patient relationship (therapist or psychiatrist has the answers)	Older/wiser-younger/less experienced relationship (mentor has the answers	Expert person with problem relationship (consultant has the answers)	Co-creative, equal partnership (coach helps clientdiscover their own answers)
Assumes many emotions are symptom of something wrong	Limited to emotional response of the mentoring parameters (succession, etc.)	Does not normally address or deal with emotions (informational only)	Assumes emotions are natural and normalizes them
The therapist diagnosis, then provides professional expertise and guidelines to give clients a path to healing	The mentor allows you to observe his/her behavior and expertise, will answer questions, and provide guidance and wisdom for the stated purpose of the mentoring	The consultant stands back, evaluates a situation, then tells you the problem and how to fix it	The coach stands with you, and helps you identify the challenges, then works with you to turn challenges into victories and hold you accountable to reach your desired goals

Author- Michael Lafrinere

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Self-esteem Basics

webmaster@mensselfesteem.com — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 15:59:00 EST

Self-esteem Basics

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1) Low Self-esteem Not To Blame!

We now know that all the ills of society cannot be blamed on low-self esteem (Prof Nicholas Emler - The Rowntree Report 2001). According to the latest research, low self esteem is not to blame for nearly as many problems as has traditionally been thought.

2) High Self-esteem Linked to Criminality

It is now clear that too high self esteem or 'High Self Esteem Disorder' is often more of a problem. (This is NOT merely a 'disguised' form of low self-esteem, as commonly thought). So, if you are the victim of a bully then you can rest assured you don't have to feel sorry for them.

Hundreds of pieces of reliable research now show that bullies and many criminals are much more likely to suffer from unrealistically high self esteem and impulse control problems than low self esteem. An exaggerated sense of entitlement - expecting much from many situations - is more likely to lead to frustration and aggressive, antisocial, or even criminal behaviour.

3) A Little More Uncertainty Can Help

Contrary to popular opinion, people with low self-esteem are always very sure of themselves.

This manifests in their conviction that they are worthless or inadequate. As you will know if you have ever tried to argue with someone who puts themselves down continually, it is very hard to do! When someone with low self esteem becomes less sure of their own opinion of themselves and therefore begins to assess counter evidence regarding their worthlessness, their self image begins to become more healthy.

4) You Can't Argue Someone Better!

Telling some one they are great or wonderful when they are constantly negative about themselves will not work. Arguing with someone who is so sure of themselves does not work, as we all know. You will just break rapport with that person. We have all met people who feel more comfortable in relationships with people who treat them badly - because that person seems to see things the way they do.

People with low self esteem can be upset by 'disconfirming feedback.' In other words if something happens which indicates that they may not be as terrible as they thought, it can feel disturbing as it contradicts their way of perceiving. Healthy self esteem needs to emerge subtly, not as a sudden result of hearing you are 'really special' or 'fantastic'.

People need proof that unsettles the certainty that they are so 'defective' or inadequate and leads to a more realistic and balanced self-assessment. This can only happen when they become calmer and more relaxed so that they can observe themselves more objectively and less emotionally. When ever we are highly emotional our perception is distorted ('emotional hijacking') when people calm down around the idea of themselves then a healthier self-esteem can emerge!

5) Child Abuse Increases Likelihood of Low Self-esteem

People who were abused as children (physical beating or sexual abuse) are more likely to suffer unrealistic low self esteem as adults. This is because of constant repetition of a 'message' that they are of little value or just an object to be used. In a way they have been 'brain washed' by constant criticism or abuse that they are a certain way.

When a person begins to question this former conditioning or brainwashing then a healthier and more accurate sense of self can begin to emerge. However the person may have to be de-traumatised so the emotional brain responds differently in future (rather than solely learning to think differently about stuff). However the way we think and our assumptions need to be observed, understood and if necessary challenged. (explanatory styles)

(Note: Most people who have low self-esteem were not abused as children.)

6) Healthy Pleasures Are Vital

We need to engage in activities which we enjoy and in which we can 'lose ourselves' regularly. The better one's sense of themselves the less they tend to use words like 'me, myself, I, mine' (personal pronouns) Someone's mental and even, to some extent, physical health can be directly related to how 'self-referential' they are in their conversation - as people become healthier they use the 'I' word less, in the same way that when your knee stops hurting you don't need to rub it any more.

People should be encouraged to focus their attention away from themselves as well as to be able to take their own needs into account. A healthy balance should be encouraged as should the development of real practical skills. Real responsibility should be encouraged so that self-worth can respond to external evidence on an ongoing basis.

7) Make the Most of Success

Low self esteem requires a particular attitude towards success. Whenever you succeed at something, you must 'write it off' as good luck, chance, or someone else's responsibility.

To gain a more realistic view of yourself, you need to take appropriate credit for your successes. In the Self Confidence Trainer, we call this skill 'Converting'.

This involves learning how to convert real successes into statements about yourself. The other part of the picture is to view perceived failures as temporary and not statements about your 'core identity'.

8) Build on Solid Foundations

For anyone to be psychologically and physicaly healthy on an ongoing basis, there are a set of requirements that must be built into life. This is the checklist I use with my patients:

The need to give and receive attention
Taking care of the mind-body connection
The need for meaning, purpose and goals
The need for a connection to something greater than ourselves
The need for creativity and stimulation
The need for intimacy and connection
The need for a sense of control
The need for status
The need for a sense of safety and security

Of course, it is likely that at any one time, one or more of these may be slightly lacking in your life, without dire consequences. However, in the long-term, they must all be catered for one way or another.

9) Characteristics of Genuinely Low Self-esteem

Social withdrawal
Anxiety and emotional turmoil
Lack of social skills and self confidence. Depression and/or bouts of sadness
Less social conformity
Eating disorders
Inability to accept compliments
An Inability to see yourself 'squarely' - to be fair to yourself
Accentuating the negative
Exaggerated concern over what they imagine other people think
Self neglect
Treating yourself badly but NOT other people
Worrying whether you have treated others badly
Reluctance to take on challenges
Reluctance to trust your own opinion
Expect little out of life for yourself

10) It's not just about Positive Thinking!

Positive thinking can be useful in that it challenges you to form a different view on things. However, most of the time it just takes the form of arguing with yourself, and as we've seen from 4) above, this doesn't work.

To change your self image and improve low self esteem, you need to believe in an alternative opinion of yourself, not just repeat platitudes about how great you are really!

Author- Michael Lafrinere

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Top 10 Ways to Get a Life, Not Just a Lifestyle

webmaster@mensselfesteem.com — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 21:38:00 EST

Top 10 Ways to Get a Life
Not Just a Lifestyle

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Top 10 Ways to Get a Life, Not Just a Lifestyle

If you are looking to "get a life" and always end up with the same "lifestyle" that you began with, then it's time to change your approach. Below are the "Top 10 Ways to Get a Life"!

1. Understand that there is difference between living life and having a lifestyle.

There's an ad for a financial services firm that goes like this: "Are you working for a living or are you working for a life?" I'll change it a bit to read: "Are you working for a lifestyle or are you living your life?" Life and lifestyle are both synonymous and mutually exclusive, depending on how you look at this. The key question to ask yourself is "How much of my life is being consumed by my lifestyle?"

2. Start learning about different ways of living.

I am shocked sometimes by how few options people feel that they have, or how they've rarely considered how they might life their life differently. So, look around and notice who has a life (or even a lifestyle!) that you find intriguing. Then, have lunch with this person and ask them lots of questions about how they live, what's important to them, how have they changed their life or lifestyle significantly and what other changes they may want to make.

3. Identify what about your life isn't really you at all.

We're all products of our culture and our environment, peer pressure and group norms, of advertising and the desire to get ahead, and so forth. Few of us really examine who we are; it's often easier to live a role or have the right car. It's safe to say that most people haven't really chosen their lives; they've only chosen their lifestyle -- or perhaps, a lifestyle has chosen them. Break the cycle by working with a coach who can help you identify what about yourself and about life is most fundamentally most important to you.

4. Identify what is natural for you, even if not normal for others.

Of the 200+ countries in our world, Americans are thought to be the most individualist of all cultures. We tend to do what we want and to heck with what others think. The trend of 'doing your own thing' continues and it's accelerating. At one point, let's say in the 60's, doing your own thing was as much as doing the opposite of convention as it was doing something of your own design. But we have gotten better and better at this skill set and the entrepreneur movement in America is one piece of evidence. Today, we have the tools and the technology to afford to do our own thing professionally. Creativity and freedom are held in high regard and normalcy is often scoffed at. You now do have the societal and cultural freedom (even more than you may realize) to discover and orient around what is natural for you, because normal isn't natural for many. Now, just give yourself this freedom.

5. Lifestyles are expensive to support and prevent you from evolving.

If you're living paycheck to paycheck and supporting your lifestyle more than saving money, your lifestyle is too expensive. You're trapped in it; you must keep working in the job you have, in order to afford your lifestyle. I'm not knocking lifestyle. I'm just pointing out that as long as you feel the pull to fund a lifestyle and you can't afford to stop working, your rate of development/evolution will be much slower than it could be. Rapid personal development occurs when you have the time, space and reserves to afford to experiment with new ways of thinking, working and living. If you're living wonderfully, yet close to the edge, you can't really afford to progress in some very important ways, and you probably won't be attractive. A lifestyle is generally seductive; a person is attractive. Take your pick. (Note: If you have plenty of reserves, enjoy your lifestyle completely! But if not, simplify.)

6. Identify who gives you life, and who are merely players in your lifestyle.

One's lifestyle has a theatrical element to it. Everything from valet parkers to tailors, housekeepers to architects, and Starbucks to Lutece. Again, I'm not knocking wonderfully rich lifestyles at all! I'm just suggesting that you identify who it is who adds joy and energy to your life vs who merely supports, entertains or assists you.

7. Downsize, rightsize or even toss out your current lifestyle, just for the shock of it.

Most men refuse to downsize their lifestyle until they experience a crisis of money, divorce or health problems. I am also not surprised when I see them struggling to become more attractive. They can't figure out why it's not working as easily as advertised. The primary reason? They are unwilling to give up some of the trappings they have. To them, downsizing their lifestyle means to go the Caribbean instead of to Australia, business class instead of first class, an Infiniti instead of a Lexus. Again, I'm not knocking luxury; I live luxuriously when I can. But my lifestyle is optional (meaning it's fun, it's not my identity) and it's something that I'd immediately downscale at any sign of financial concern. I don't suggest that men become monks and go ascetic; but if their lifestyle is constricting their ability to be themselves, they've got a problem.

8. Spend an hour and write down what an ideal life for you would look like.

Have you ever written down the people, objects, work, feelings and home which would comprise your ideal life? Why not put on some tea or coffee right now, sit in a comfy place and start writing it out?

9. Get to know what your values are.

Values are those things in life which we find ourselves naturally drawn to and even desire to express. Beauty, Peace, Creativity, Discovery and Harmony are examples of values.

10. Stop striving, acquiring, pushing yourself.

If you 'gave up' right now (meaning checking out of the rat race/lifestyle race), how would your life be better? How would it be different? What's the worst that could happen? What would you lose that's not replaceable? How would you change as a person? How would you spend your time? What path might you start down that's very different from the one you're on now? What goals would you let go? How would you motivate yourself? Would you even need to? These are the questions worth asking.

Sticking to these priciples will lead toward reaching a better life than the one you had before. Stick to the basics and before you know it, your lifestyle will have changed to meet your new life!

Author- Michael Lafrinere

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5 Essentials to a Man's Self-esteem and Goals

webmaster@mensselfesteem.com — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 16:11:00 EST

5 Essentials to a Man's Self-esteem and Goals
Discover Your Strengths and Potential Stumbling Blocks

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5 Essentials to a Man's Self-esteem and Goals

To make any real changes in ourselves as men, we must also listen to ourselves and have a goal in mind of where we want to end up. Listening is extremely important if we are to make any changes that will stick for any real amount of time and also press on toward our goal and a higher self-esteem. In general, men are usually not as good at listening as women and most of us know that, so we must really have a mind-set to listen carefully to ourselves and for what others are saying to us, about us. When someone tells you something about you, it's time to listen very carefully, because there is something to be learned in every case. Whatever is said should be taken as that person's experience of you, and that experience has created an opinion in them about you. Whatever they say should be taken seriously by you and that information can be essential to your self-esteem and even life changing. So listen carefully.

Listening to your self when you speak and how you think is also of extreme importance, much more-so than what someone else says to you about you. You know what you said but you also know what you think, and that is something that only you can know. That gives you a big advantage in knowing who you are, over anyone else.

5 essentials to listen for in your self and from what others say about you, to reach any goal and increase your self-esteem:

Focus
Mind-set and Attitude
Skills and Capacities
Habits, Practices and Patterns
Energy

Although this list looks easy to contemplate and understand, there are probably a few things that need to be explained. Remember, these are things about you that you re actively listening for, in order to better your self. When you have a goal in mind of the changes you want to make and what to measure how you are doing and what may be blocking you from reaching those goals, you should be listening to yourself for these 5 essentials to your self-esteem.

Focus
Focus is the characteristic part of your work and your life that you are concentrating on at that time and toward the goal that you have in mind. An ideal focus is appropriate, steady, flexable, able to be maintained, and related to goals that foster your well-being and the changes that you want. This is especially important when listening to yourself. Is your focus clear and easy for you to understand or is it fuzzy and hard to read right now? Are you overly focused on the change you want, even so much that you become consumed by that focus? Yes, you can over focus. Over focusing does not allow you to discover options because you are so focussed on just one direction. You can even over focus on work, your goal for a higher self-esteem, and achievements so much that you will ignore other important aspects of your life. Be very careful that your focus is clear and also that your focus is being handled appropriately by you.

Mind-set / Attitude
Your mind-set or attitude plays a large part in changing your self-esteem and reaching any other goal that you may have. Are you seeing things in a positive light or a dark one? Is it positive or negative? Is your mind-set helpful or is it limiting? Having a "can do" attitude can make or break your goals. By listening to what others are saying about you and also what you hear from your self, you can discern your own mind set.
Things to listen for are:

The way that you characteristically approach people and relationships The ways that you define success and yourself in relationship to people, events, and circumstances
How you draw conclusions about events, experiences, and why they unfolded as they have
How you think about your ability to create and to influence
how you elevate the importance and value of people, experiences, and results

Skills and Capacities
Do you have the skills and capability required for success? Skills tend to be teachable and learnable. Capacities can be developed, but generally are not things we expect to build through teaching. Your capacities can be found by discovering whatyou have patients for, or what you have impatients for and can't tolerate. You must identify what your current skills and capacities are that will support your goal. You may need to learn a new skill or work to increase you capacity for acceptance in order to reach your goal.

Habits, Practices and Patterns
These are things that you do automatically and without thinking or planning. These are habits, practices and patterns in the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual realms. Are your habits, practices and patterns supporting your goal? This is not an invitation to judge yourself. It's more of a fact finding mission. Do you need to shift those things in order to achieve your goal? Can they be unlearned, or developed into new patterns? Effective time management is a very common goal to achieve, and our habits and patterns tend to be the limiting factor in most cases. Are your habits sufficient to be successful in increasing your time management?

Energy
The energy factor also play a big role. It is your ability to bring forth, as needed, an appropriate amout of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual energy in a timely and appropriate way. Your enerygy can be sourced or even blocked by the previous 4 mentioned factors. Your intentions can be great, but you must have enough energy available consistantly in order to progress. You know when you have the right amout of energy toward a goal, but you must do some self-checking on order to know this. Many times you can have lots of energy in the beginning, but not enough to finish at the end or to reach your goal. Don't let anything stop you from reaching your goal, not even you. Get the appropriate amount of energy and keep it until the end. Achieving this will give you a viable source of information to go on for your next goal.

Author- Michael Lafrinere

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The Power of Positive Thinking

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 22:11:00 EST

The Power of Positive Thinking

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The Power of Positive Thinking

�The power of positive thinking� is a phrase that gets used by lots of people in many different ways. Sometimes it even gets misused. But when you get right down to it, it�s actually pretty simple, and it really can be powerful. Basically, the power of positive thinking is about setting intentions for how you�d like your life to be and then believing that you really can influence the way things happen. The idea is to turn intention into reality.

Let�s look at some ways that you could use the power of positive thinking to improve different facets of your life.

The Power of Positive Thinking in your Professional Life

Negative thinking or low self-esteem can have a chilling effect on career advancement. You�d like to see your job prospects shoot ahead like a Ferrari, but your doubts and fears keep putting on the brakes. So instead of climbing a ladder that leads up to your highest aspirations, you begin to �live down� to the lower expectations you have for yourself.

Practically, this might manifest itself in several ways. For example, imagine that you�ve gone into your boss�s office to ask for a raise but you�re weighed down by your own negativity. You�re nervous and unsure about whether you even deserve a raise. Also, you wonder whether you wore the right clothes for this type of meeting, and you worry about your posture and whether to cross your legs. All these concerns further exacerbate the problem by becoming distractions that keep you from fully concentrating on the interview.

How could things have gone differently? Well, a lot of it has to do with preparation: thinking about what you want to say, choosing the right outfit the night before, getting enough sleep, eating a good breakfast, etc. All of this is about preparing yourself to perform at your very best.

And along with these more practical preparations, you need to prepare yourself mentally. Visualize yourself sitting with your boss, presenting a persuasive and compelling argument for why you should receive the raise. See yourself talking and listening during the meeting, coming across as capable and confident. As you imagine all this, fully expect that what you are envisioning will come to fruition.

If you can prepare yourself well, in terms of both the practical and the mental aspects of the interview, you�ll be ready to step through that office door brimming with confidence and belief in yourself. Those around you will pick up on this, and you will have immeasurably increased your chances of getting the raise.

The Power of Positive Thinking in your Social Life

The same concept applies to the way you interact with people you spend time with or date. A negative self-concept can be overpowering and sabotage your attempts to be with the people you want to spend time with. When you�re operating from self-doubt and insecurity about your worthiness when it comes to fitting into certain social circles or going out with certain people, then that�s going to keep you from achieving what you�d like to achieve socially. Insecurity and desperation are never going to help you when it comes to creating the kinds of friendships and dating relationships you desire.

If any of this sounds familiar, it may be the case that your social life needs the kind of positive �shot in the arm� we were just talking about in relation to your professional life. Whether it�s a person you�d like to develop a new friendship with or someone you�re hoping to date, positive thinking can make all the difference in the world.

And once again, preparation is a big part of your ability to remain positive. In order to make a good impression on this person, get yourself ready beforehand. Remove any obstacles that will keep you from focusing on putting your best foot forward. Decide what you�re going to wear and how you want to come across. You might even be ready with a conversation topic and a funny story. Then, having prepared well, envision yourself talking with the person and showing the best you. See yourself being interesting and fun, natural and confident. What all that preparation means is that when the conversation begins or you arrive for the date, you can completely relax and let your preparation, coupled with your positive outlook, pay off.

The Power of Positive Thinking in your Individual Life

Positive thinking has the power to help you not only professionally and socially, but also personally. For many of us, fears and negative emotions can become a crippling force that chips away at virtually everything we want to do in life. If we constantly criticize ourselves, it will be difficult to achieve any kind of sustained success in any area of life. Studies have shown repeatedly that the way people label themselves and talk to themselves has a huge effect on who they are and who they become.

So as you go through your day-to-day routines, pay attention to your self-talk. Rather than constantly repeating discouraging and critical phrases to yourself, do your best to be positive. Instead of saying, �I�m not disciplined enough to exercise,� say, �I�ll plan out a realistic strategy and stick to my plan.� Instead of saying, �That was so stupid of me to break that plate,� tell yourself, �That�s no big deal. Everyone drops things from time to time.�

Then take it a step further. Go beyond merely trying to avoid being negative about yourself, and start praising yourself for things you do well. There�s nothing wrong with congratulating yourself when, for example, you visit a sick friend or hit a home run at a big business meeting or write something in your journal that�s actually pretty good. And as we talked about before, put visualization to work for you. See yourself as a happy, competent, compassionate, loving person who generally and genuinely enjoys life.

None of this means that you have to deny reality or ignore things about your life that aren�t exactly as you�d like them to be. The power of positive thinking is about believing that you, and your life, can develop into something that�s as exciting and meaningful as possible, then taking steps toward making that happen.

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Learning to Love Yourself

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 21:13:00 EST

Learning to Love Yourself

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Learning to Love Yourself

There�s an old adage that says in order to love someone else, you first have to love yourself. This is an important truth, but what does loving yourself really mean? Well, remember that the word �love� is a verb. So just as your actions show your love for someone else, it�s important to actively do things to love yourself.

Make a List of Things you Like About Yourself

Sometimes we focus so much on what we�d like to change about ourselves that we actually forget there�s a lot to like as well. So take a few minutes and remind yourself of the positives you can be proud of. Think of physical attributes, mental or emotional strengths, successes you�ve experienced, the way you support your friends, or anything else. Make your list as long as possible, and then keep adding to it.

Ask Others to add to your List

Go to the people you trust�a friend, a romantic partner, a therapist, a family member�and ask them what they�d list as your most positive characteristics. You may be surprised to find out that people see a lot more of your strengths than you realize.

Treat yourself like a Best Friend

You know how you treat someone you really care about? The way you love and support that person and treat him or her with kindness and respect? Do that for yourself. And just as you�d challenge a close friend who�s making bad decisions with his or her life, challenge yourself as well. Just as you would for a good friend, remind yourself over and over again of your immense worth as an individual and that you deserve great things in your life. Challenge yourself to achieve the best life possible.

Pay Attention to your Needs and Desires

This may sound a bit silly, but some people really don�t know what they want and need. They can go through their entire adult lives living only for others without stopping to ask the question �What do I want here?� or �What�s best for me?� One of the best ways to love yourself is simply to pay attention to what it is that you want and need�in your job, in your relationships, in your friendships, and in your whole life.

Protect Yourself

When you love yourself, you�re much less willing to let someone take advantage of you or to have toxic people in your life. Refuse to be the kind of person who so desperately wants to be loved that they�ll put up with anything in a relationship. You�re worth more than that. Protect yourself from people who don�t have your best interest at heart, and choose not to allow yourself to be treated in unloving, disrespectful ways.

Listen to your Self-Talk

Repeatedly calling yourself an idiot or a loser is one of the least loving things you can do for yourself. So today, right now, commit to making your self-talk positive. Maybe take the list of things you like about yourself and repeat some of those attributes as you move through the day. When you do make a mistake, be generous with yourself, and instead of telling yourself how stupid you were to lose your keys, just say, �Oh, well. It happens. Everyone loses things from time to time.� As you talk to yourself, don�t say anything you wouldn�t say to someone else you love.

Take care of your Body

You don�t have to become a marathoner or a supermodel. But do your best to be healthy. Few of us eat exactly as we should or exercise as much as we ought to, so there�s no reason to beat yourself up over not being perfect. But taking small steps to take care of yourself physically is one of the best ways to show yourself love. By treating our bodies well, we send ourselves the message that we deserve good things.

Take Care of your Inner Life

Don�t neglect your spirit. Slow down from time to time and pay attention to what�s going on within yourself, where you�ll find all kinds of reserves to draw on when you need strength and support. Taking the time to pray, meditate, connect with others, and read meaningful books can nourish our love for ourselves and enrich our lives in many ways.

Show yourself Compassion

Be willing to forgive yourself, and be patient as you grow. All of us make mistakes, and we all have certain shortcomings that make it easy for us to get down on ourselves. But remind yourself that you�re only human. There�s no reason to expect perfection. When you make a mistake or notice something about yourself that you don�t like, don�t judge or harshly criticize yourself. Instead, be compassionate and remind yourself that you�re doing your best.

Live in the Now

This isn�t always easy to do, but one powerful way to love yourself is to focus your energy and attention on the present moment. Don�t dwell on the past, with all the painful regrets that might exist there. And let go of the future, with all its crippling concerns and anxieties. Then invest yourself in appreciating all the good in your life right now; pour yourself into the present moment and make the most of who you are right now.

Keep in mind that loving yourself isn�t selfish. Think of the heart, which pumps blood to itself first before sending blood out to the rest of the body. Similarly, the more loving you are to yourself, the more love you�ll be able to send out to the other people in your life�your family, your friends, and the people you date.

When you get right down to it, love�s not a feeling, it�s a decision. So make a choice right now to love yourself and to work on loving yourself more fully day after day.

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Does Your Weight Determine Your Self-esteem?

webmaster@mensselfesteem.com — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 16:00:00 EST

Does Your Weight Determine Your Self-esteem?

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For some strange reason men choose to allow society to get under their skin and taunt them with the ideals of the perfect body type for every man. To be honest, not all thin, body building men are synical and shallow, but unfortunaltely there are synical men in every shape and form. I have heard men that were overweight tear other men apart with no mercy, and I have heard men that are thin laughing at overweight men. They did this out of either pure envy, jealousy, or stupidity. No matter what our weight, we are all up against the wall of ridicule and criticizm at some time in our lives.

We just have to have inner peace, acceptance, and love for ourselves. It is our spirit that never grows old, only our bodies. We must learn to realize and accept this. Also never forget that a nice looking body is just that, and has nothing to do with the mind.

Many men feel that they have to have the perfect body to make others accept them. I am sure we have all fallen into that trap more than once in our lives in some regards. How many of you have bowed down to another's idealism to find that you were still not acceptable. It truly goes to show you that you really should only please one person, that being you. We cannot please all of the people all of the time and you never will. I was told that once and have heeded that warning ever since.

If you are truly overweight and want to lose some weight in a healthy fashion, then by all mean, please do so. Being overweight accompanies many health complications and should be taken very seriously. But being overweight has NOTHING to do with making your self-esteem low. As a matter of fact, being overweight is probably a result of your low self-esteem more that anything. Raising your level of self-esteem will more than likely lower your weight.

How will you know how to please and accept your loved ones the right way, if you do not learn how to please and accept yourself first? Your self-esteem is only low because you have allowed yourself to worry about pleasing others. When it does not please them, you feel weakened inside and very inadequate, which in turn scars you deep inside. If you have fallen into this nightmare trap and then awakened from it, you have learned some very important lessons:

Know yourself

Love yourself

Accept yourself

Better yourself

Smile at yourself

Care for yourself

Take pride in yourself

How many times are you going to let someone put you down and tear you apart before you stand up and state your rights; your rights as a human being, your rights as a UNIQUE man? You are you! Be proud of who you are. Walk with confidence. Show your confidence. And never allow anyone to put you down because of how you look. Stand up for you and who you are inside.

Remember also: be careful to not be the person criticizing another for how much a person weighs, too much or too little in your opinion. This is a very negative thought process, one you do not want to fall into. This negative thought process will only strenghten your low self-esteem and make you feel very low in self-worth and shows only envy.

We spend too much time investing our feelings into people that only take them at face value.

We spend too much time worrying about what he or she may think about us .

We spend too much time comparing ourselves.

We spend too much time not putting positive ideas into play.

We spend way too much time worrying about things we cannot change or control.

We must stop wasting so much of our limited time with ourselves on nonsensical issues.

Sometimes I wish I could speak every language that is known to man. Maybe then I could penetrate every man's mind with positive thoughts. But would that work? Telling you how it works is diffrent that you actually listening and accepting how it works. These words mean nothing without your actions. Know these words and act upon them. I am not doing this for any other reason than to share my own experiences and research on how men can rebuild a lost self-esteem, or simply strenghten a weakened self-esteem. I know how lonely that negative world can be, not to mention how very hard it is to find that light at the end of the tunnel. I see it and deal with it every day from the men on my website www.mensselfesteem.com.

So, I will ask you again, does your weight determine your self-esteem? Being human is certainly a challenge every day, but you are here and you must make yourself the best person you can. Your weight does not determine who you are. Be yourself and you will glow with high self-esteem.
Author- Michael Lafrinere

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Build Self-esteem In One Day

webmaster@mensselfesteem.com — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 16:01:00 EST

Build Self-esteem In One Day?

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Self-esteem- Can you build self-esteem in one day? According to our own definition of what self-esteem is; on the surface it appears that it may take a lot longer than one day to build self-esteem.

Definition: "A man's experience of being capable of meeting life's challenges and the feeling of being worthy of happiness. Men who have a healthy or authentic self-esteem trust their own being to be constructive, responsible, and trustworthy. It is an inner state that can be nurtured and cultivated. A man's Self-esteem is the level that you respect and value yourself as a loveable, worthwhile human being."

Being that self-esteem is something that we have learned and have come to know as our own self, and how we have seen our self since we were very young, it may take quite a while to change. Your opinion of your self will take time to change. Some men are more open to change than others, but time is something that all of us will need in order to make any change in our self-esteem. We are all the same in that fact. We are also all men, and men handle their self-esteem differently than women. We have an added bonus that women do not have. We have a natural chemical hormone called testosterone. This chemical gives us a major difference in how we react to, and tackle, life's challenges during our lives.

Here's the bad news though. Boys don't have as much testosterone as we need during our early childhood, particularly during the time in our lives that we are forming a basic opinion of our selves, to defend us from feeling bad about ourselves.

Where Does Self-Esteem Come From? Our self-esteem develops and evolves throughout our lives as we build an image of ourselves through our experiences with different people and activities. Experiences during our childhood play a particularly large role in the shaping of our basic self-esteem. When we were growing up, our successes (and failures) and how we were treated by the members of our immediate family, by our teachers, coaches, religious authorities, and by our peers, all contributed to the creation of our basic self-esteem.

Back to the original question: Can you build self-esteem in one day? To change anything, you have to start somewhere. Let's be real here! You will not be able to change your entire self in one day. But you can change small things about your self a little bit at a time. Here's a hint about changing your self-esteem; you have to start small and keep it that way. There are no big leaps or big changes when it come to self-esteem. It takes time, patients, and eventualy self-acceptance. To change your self-esteem, you must know who you are at this point in your life and how you got to this point. You really have to get to know who you are right now to change anything about you. Find one small thing about your own perception of your self and decide to change that. After that, you CAN change little things about your self, and over time, those changes will become habits. From that point on, that change is part of you, and you will accept that change as part of your self. Yes, you can change your opinion of your self in one day. Its that small step to change one small thing that makes the difference. Only change on thing at a time until it becomes a habit. Only then should you move to change something else. Thats the key.

One day at a time, with small steps that become habits, will make a huge difference in your self-esteem. One day does make a difference, because every day you must concentrate on that one small change that you want to make. Over a period of time, you will have built on top of other changes and before you know it, you have changed how you see your self. You will have changed your self-esteem all by your self.

Self-esteem is all about you, and really has nothing to do with how other people see you. It's how you see your self. How you perceive other people's opinions of you, is also based on your self-esteem. If you are allowing other people's opinion of you to determine how you feel about your self, maybe it's time for you to make a change. Can one day make a difference in your self-esteem? It sure can. That first day that you decide to make a change is the most important one, but every day after that will confirm that decision and become a habit. Build your self-esteem one day at a time.
Author- Michael Lafrinere

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Father / Son Relationships and Self-esteem

webmaster@mensselfesteem.com — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 16:12:00 EST

Father / Son Relationship and Self-esteem

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There have been numerous studies done to determine if there is a link between a man's self-eseem and the relationship they had with their father. Adult men�s perceptions of their fathers have been measured in various ways and results indicate significant differences in self-reported measures of fathering between groups of men. An average of eight out of the nine men measured could be placed into an expected outcome group. The type of relationship these men had with their fathers during childhood was, without a doubt, related to self-esteem in adulthood.

With such a relationship connection that truly effects a man's self-esteem, this raises some questions that you should look at very seriously.
What kind of relationship did you have with your father?
What kind of relationship do you have with your son?
Was the relationship that I had with my father, good or bad for my self-esteem?
What do I do with that information now that I have it?

Research has show that a close and healthy relationship that fosters open communication between a father and son, is the best senario for building a healthy self-esteem in the child. Open communication seems to be the key. Let's take a look at that just a little more closely. Open communication is communication based on both sides being able to express their feelings and hopes openly between each other. In many cases, fathers tend to only communicate thier wants and feelings to their sons, and in most cases hardly at all with their daughters. Additionally, many fathers are not good listeners, which does not promote good open communication. Traditionally, fathers have almost always seen open communication as a threat to their manhood and decision making, and also to their sense of being the provider for the family. In the past, "the provider" was the decision maker, without question. Any question was a threat and was quickly brushed aside to allow the provider, or father, to be in charge of the family and any major decisions that had to be made. Those times are now past.

Today, there are many single parent families, many without fathers, or even mothers. The family dynamics of today, both parents working, single parenting, and the coming of the communication age have made change not only possible, but also inevitable. These changes have come without us even trying, and now we have to catch up! Most fathers still have the notion that "father knows best" stuck in their heads. It wasn't that long ago that they were raised to know that they would be in-charge of their families and be held responible for being the provider for the family. You weren't even considered much of a man if you could not provide for your family. It was so engrained into our brains that if we could not be the decision maker, provide for our family, make more money than our wife, or could not keep our family together, that we had no use on this planet and our self-esteem would plummit. Being the top dog of the family was paramount and anything that could be seen as a threat to that was quickly dealt with, including open communication.

Again, times have changed and we as fathers need to catch up. We don't want our sons to have the wrong idea of family and communication so engrained in their brains that they act as our fathers did.

Fathers today are responsible for initiating this change. Knowing that open communication, between a father and son, is a key component in a child's self-esteem gives us this responsibility. If we want our sons to have a healthy self-esteem, which encomasses every aspect of their lives, then we must build open communication with their sons.

Unresolved isses between fathers and sons can have a devistating effect on both lives, but it's never too late to fix these issues. We have until we die to accomplish this.

Forgiveness is a key factor with unresolved feelings between fathers and sons. Forgiving your father for the way that you were raised, or forgiving the son for simply being childish can accomplish a true healing in the father/son relationship and almost automatically fixes many self-esteem issues with sons. The next time that you are with, or thinking about your father, think about your self-esteem and how your relationship with your father has effected your life. If you have a son, think about how much open communication can help his self-esteem.