Squiffy's House Of Fun - Laughter For Multiple Sclerosis

Star Wars merchandising.

Mon, 24 Sep 2012 08:47:00 EDT

This has definitely gone too far. My kids eat breakfast cereals containing free Star Wars plastic figures, at school they write in Star Wars binders using Star Wars pencils. At break they eat Star Wars chocolate and drink Star Wars cola. They're begging for Star Wars duvet & pillow covers to sleep in at night. The shops are full of expensive Star Wars toys - no, I take that back, they're not all expensive, some are extortionate.

At least it's only kids stuff, I thought. Until last night. I went to my local take-away for a kebab and was asked "Do you want a doner kebab or a Star Wars kebab?"

I enquired as to the difference: "Well," said the guy behind the counter. "This one is a Star Wars kebab - meat & salad in a pitta with chili sauce, 4 quid, whereas that one is a pitta bread, stuffed with meat and vegetables in a chili sauce, 4 pounds fifty."

"That's exactly the same thing apart from the price!" I argued.

"No," he said, holding up the Star Wars kebab. "The sauce is strong in this one..."

The End

Tue, 08 May 2012 09:50:00 EDT

The end.. I just saw a bloke driving a tractor and shouting "THE END IS NIGH!" I think it was Farmer Geddon.

Doctor! Doctor!

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 08:54:00 EDT

"Doctor! Doctor! I'm scared of Father Christmas." "Not to worry. You're just a little Claus-trophobic."

A Classical Christmas

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 06:32:00 EDT

Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains and can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.

Fear

Fri, 16 Sep 2011 05:06:00 EDT

Fear I really need to confront my phobia of German sausages, but I fear the wurst.

Supermarket

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 06:31:00 EDT

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?" "No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."

Mummy

Thu, 01 Sep 2011 06:35:00 EDT

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath.'"

Scottish Sea-sickness

Mon, 15 Aug 2011 11:27:00 EDT

The Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness. They lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in their teeth...............

Meanwhile In Tottenham

Mon, 15 Aug 2011 05:27:00 EDT

The lights suddenly fail in Sheldon and Miriam's Tottenham flat. They hear the sound of glass breaking - there are looters in the street below. "Sheldon, there's a mink coat in the window of Goldberg's - do you think we might....?" "I don't like it Miriam, But you've been a good wife and I know how you've always yearned for mink, and I've never been a rich man. OK, just this once. Who's to know?" So they go to Goldberg's, Sheldon throws a brick through the window, and Miriam gets her fur. As they turn to go, Miriam spots a 42" flat-screen TV in the window of Keitzner's Electricals,. "Oh, Sheldon. look ....?" In goes another brick, out comes the TV. As they go home, they pass a jeweller. "Sheldon, look at that beautiful necklace! One more little thing won't make any difference." "Oh for God's sake, woman! Do you think I'm made of bricks?"

Meanwhile In Africa

Fri, 05 Aug 2011 10:40:00 EDT

Three guys were on safari, deep in the Kruger National Park, when one of them stopped suddenly and yelled at the top of his voice: "Hip! Hip! Hip!" And the others joined in: " Hurrah ! " That was when a pod of hippopotamuses trampled the two guys and the stutterer.

On The Moon

Tue, 19 Jul 2011 08:59:00 EDT

The astronauts in the Sea of Tranquility were amazed to discover that the moon actually did contain large underground deposits of cheese. Once outside the LEM, they climbed into the LTV and drove across the lunar surface to obtain samples. In one location they discovered a large deposit of brie and collected 25 pounds to bring back to earth. They drove to a second location and collected 50 pounds of camembert. In a third location they hit a vein of cheddar and collected another 50 pounds of samples. Mission Control crackled through their headsets that it would not be satisfied unless they brought back at least another 25 pounds of brie. The astronauts turned their LTV around and proceeded to the first location where they collected another 25 pounds of the cheese. The astronauts were almost back to the LEM when Mission Control radioed that it wanted another 25 pounds of brie. Disgruntled, one of the astronauts sarcastically snapped into his microphone, "Have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?"

Mace

Fri, 17 Jun 2011 08:14:00 EDT

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

Mama's Answering Machine

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 05:42:00 EDT

Mama's Answering Machine (or A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine) If you want lox and eggs, dial 1; If you want knishes press 2; If you want chicken soup, press 3; If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4; If you want to know how am I feeling, you are calling the Wrong Number since NOBODY ever asks me how I am feeling. Who knows I could even be dead by now.

Business

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 02:53:00 EDT

Hymie and Milton bump into each other in the street. They haven't seen each other for months. "Hymie!" "Milton!" "So how are you? And how's Rachel?" "I'm fine, just fine. And Rachel's more beautiful than ever. So how about you? And Leah? And young Benny?" "Everything's good at home! And Benny's not so young - next year, his Bar Mitzvah! We'll make sure to invite you." "Wonderful. So, must be going!" "Hold on, you haven't asked me how my business is doing" "Nu, so sorry, Milton. So how's business? "Don't ask!"

Whiskey

Mon, 20 Dec 2010 02:11:00 EDT

Whiskey from the Isle of Mull is quite dangerous to drink. It can cause Mull tipple injuries.....

Pantomimes

Wed, 08 Dec 2010 03:33:00 EDT

One of my friends used to write jokes for pantomimes, I said to him "I bet you're glad that's behind you", he said "Don't you start".

Present

Wed, 08 Dec 2010 03:32:00 EDT

For Christmas, I've bought my wife a pavement. It's right up her street

Snowball

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 09:26:00 EDT

The wife just told me off for throwing a snowball at our son. To top it off, I've been banned from the maternity ward.

Big Cheese

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 09:25:00 EDT

I'm a big cheese in the dairy products market, but i need to find a new whey to make money..

2022 World Cup

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 09:24:00 EDT

2022 World Cup in catarrh. S'not funny! Infact we should take up the tissue with someone who nose!

Christmas Tree

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 03:47:00 EDT

Hunted down our Christmas tree today. It should look pretty impressive when we get it stuffed and mounted on the wall.

Advent calendars

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 03:46:00 EDT

Advent calendars, your days are numbered.

Slow Reindeer

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 03:45:00 EDT

How do you make a slow reindeer fast? Don't feed it

Found

Fri, 03 Dec 2010 03:45:00 EDT

I just found a carrot, a puddle, two lumps of coal and a suicide note next to our fire.Hope everything's okay?

Your Donkey...My Donkey

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 06:17:00 EDT

What do you call a donkey with one leg? A wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye? A winky wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love? A bonky winky wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, makin' love while breaking wind? A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, makin' love while breaking wind. Wearing blue suede shoes? A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing the piano? A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing the piano and driving a truck? Very talented.

Who Is That?

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 10:28:00 EDT

Who Is That? A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase. At the Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous customs officer who glared at him and snarled, "Open the case!" Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meagre belongings and pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin. "What is that?" snarled the customs officer. "What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind." "I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!" A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer. "Shalom. Welcome to Israel. Open the case!" Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer came upon the bust. "What is that?" said the customs officer. "What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is the bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life." "I always knew that you Russians were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!" At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got around to unpacking, watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on a table. "Who is that?" asked his nephew. "Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?' - you should ask 'What is that?' That is five kilos of gold and a bit of black shoe polish."

Learn From you Elders

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 05:29:00 EDT

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only �5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you �500, he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?' The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him �500. The senior pockets the �500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer �5, and goes back to sleep.

Visiting Rabbis

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 05:26:00 EDT

At a mass where a group of young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two men in rabbinical garb enter the church. They found seats at the back of the sanctuary on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began. But when it came time for the announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced, "I am delighted to see two rabbis in our midst at this very special mass where these young ladies are to become the 'brides of Christ'. But I'm curious: why did you choose to be present at this occasion?" The elder rabbi slowly rose to his feet and announceed, "Family of the Groom."

Arizona Holiday

Fri, 06 Aug 2010 05:10:00 EDT

A man was driving through the Arizona countryside when he saw a middle-aged smiling squaw standing by a Native American goods shop by the roadside. She was surrounded by sixteen happy laughing children, ranging in age from toddler to teenager. The man stopped to visit the shop and see what was for sale. While looking around, he asked the woman, "Are these all your children?" "Oh, yes," she replied, smiling, while simultaneously trying to sell him blankets and other relics on display in her shop. "How do you handle them all?" he asked. "With such a huge family, don't you have lots of fights and arguments?" "Oh, no," the woman declared with a chuckle, "We're just one great big Hopi family!"

Helping The Doctor

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 07:52:00 EDT

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol." "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes."

Chinese Professor

Mon, 02 Aug 2010 08:05:00 EDT

A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then said, "This proves the wisdom of an Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light work.'"

Irish Workmen

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 08:49:00 EDT

Two Irishmen were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?' The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, ........ 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'

Bullying at school

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 05:09:00 EDT

I was badly bullied at school. Every day big boys would smother me in chocolate and stick cherries on my head.... I must admit, life was tough in the gateaux..........

Dwarf Football

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 02:38:00 EDT

It's a game of 22 halves.

Thoughtful Scotsman

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 08:57:00 EDT

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was going out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie." She replied, "Aw Jock that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?" "Naw", Jock replied, "A'm switchin' the central heatin' off while a'm oot."

Decisions, decisions...

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 09:17:00 EDT

Decisions, decisions... http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/dec.jpg

Blind Trust

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 09:17:00 EDT

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walkover to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Sir, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

Goldfish

Mon, 19 Jul 2010 11:47:00 EDT

An Irishman takes his goldfish to the vet and says 'I think my goldfish is epileptic.' The vet looks and says 'He looks fine to me.' The Irishman replies 'Hang on, I haven't taken him out of the bowl yet!!'

Firefighter High

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 06:54:00 EDT

Dare you not to laugh.. http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/ff.wmv :O)

Sewing Machine

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 04:18:00 EDT

I just bought a very old sewing machine, but it seams ok.

Meanwhile in Yorkshire

Mon, 12 Jul 2010 09:46:00 EDT

Meanwhile In Yorkshire... A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car. Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ... Now give me back my dog.

Short-sighted

Mon, 12 Jul 2010 03:21:00 EDT

A short-sighted vicar glances at the note that a member of the congregation has delivered to him through an usher. The note reads, "Bill Jones, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." Failing to observe the punctuation, the vicar startles his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

The Wolfman

Sun, 11 Jul 2010 10:59:00 EDT

The WolfMan comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks. "Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts. "Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely. "Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat, okay?! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat?" At this moment, the Wolf Man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Language Lesson

Sun, 04 Jul 2010 11:09:00 EDT

In the north of England lived a man, poorly educated, who made a large fortune by selling his design for a bicycle chain. With this money he set about realising his childhood ambition to become a country squire. He puchased a beautiful estate near the Scottish border, and proceeded, with the help of some excellent servants, to live in a manner none in his family had ever dreamed of. Foremost of these servants was his butler, Jeeves, a well educated man who assisted his master in every way he could to better himself. The master would often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social situation, or to explain a new term. One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves in and asked, "Jeeves, what is this fox pass?" "Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas.' I'll give you an example. Do you remember recently when Lord and Lady Plushbottom stayed for the weekend? And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose? And do you further remember how later, at breakfast, Lady plushbottom asked her husband "Is your prick still throbbing dear?" and you said "Christ!" and I dropped the marmalade? That, Sir, was a faux pas."

7 new Jewish wisdoms...

Thu, 01 Jul 2010 04:57:00 EDT

Lucky One? Wrong? My Father Jewish Marriage Advice Morris Nationalities Jewish proverb:

New Album

Fri, 25 Jun 2010 06:44:00 EDT

I have brought out a new Album............ I hope you will all rush out and buy it! http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/toot.jpg

Quit My Job

Wed, 23 Jun 2010 02:11:00 EDT

I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home. I refuse to be ordered around in that manor...................

Two French Legionnaires

Fri, 18 Jun 2010 04:29:00 EDT

There's these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. The've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it's really there. So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?" The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, french legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly,topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands." The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water." The stallholder looked at them embarressed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundereds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you.." The legionnaires look at each other in desparation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate," (cos they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?" The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration." The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands. Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands." The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar"

High Class Funeral

Thu, 17 Jun 2010 09:39:00 EDT

I went to a funeral in a mausoleum where everyone was dressed to the nines and acted super classy. It was a very fine couthed tomb.............

Some days......

Wed, 16 Jun 2010 04:06:00 EDT

Some Days

Totally unbiased news reporting is a US trait....

Mon, 14 Jun 2010 04:43:00 EDT

The USA winning against the odds since Vietnam.. Totally unbiased news reporting is a US trait.... http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/uswin.jpg

What Obama Really Said....

Thu, 10 Jun 2010 03:09:00 EDT

http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/ob.jpg

Food Question

Wed, 09 Jun 2010 02:49:00 EDT

Food Question - http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/food.jpg

Talking Dog

Thu, 03 Jun 2010 06:25:00 EDT

Talking Dog My friend said that he had a dog that talked in their sleep. Skeptical, I went to see. In front of the fireplace lay a hound fast asleep. He mumbled "I've just written a best seller." Later, he said, "I've just returned from the moon." I was impressed and said so. "But, he tells lies," I said. "Yes, he does," said my friend. "But that's OK. When you have a talking dog, you've got to make allowances. I find that it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

The Pub Dog

Wed, 02 Jun 2010 05:35:00 EDT

The Pub Dog In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail. The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?" The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. St Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St Peter would not change his mind. So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door. "My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"

BP &Twitter

Tue, 01 Jun 2010 06:43:00 EDT

BP & Twitter - http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/bp_2.jpg

Explains why Americans are the way they are...

Mon, 31 May 2010 03:41:00 EDT

Explains why Americans are the way they are... http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/ddt.jpg

BP Logo 2010

Fri, 28 May 2010 04:52:00 EDT

BP Logo 2010 - http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/bplogo.jpg

BP Tweet

Fri, 28 May 2010 04:51:00 EDT

BP Tweet - http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/bptweet.jpg

How LOST should have ended.........

Thu, 27 May 2010 04:59:00 EDT

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Ah, the British..

Thu, 27 May 2010 04:58:00 EDT

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A Pound of Salmon

Tue, 18 May 2010 04:24:00 EDT

A Jewish gentleman stood before a delicatessen display counter and pointed to a tray. "I'll have a pound of that salmon," he said. "That's not salmon," the clerk said. "It's ham." "Sir, in case nobody ever told you," said the Jewish gentleman, "you got a big mouth!"

Once again, the US shows it's geographical prowess

Mon, 17 May 2010 03:51:00 EDT

Once again, the US shows it's geographical prowess...........

Parachute Jump

Mon, 17 May 2010 03:49:00 EDT

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet. "How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman. "A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground." The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

Stealing

Mon, 17 May 2010 03:48:00 EDT

I've just stolen loads of swimming inflatables. I'd better lilo................

Cricket

Mon, 17 May 2010 03:47:00 EDT

I've been teaching a few hobbits how to play cricket. Bilbo's good at catching, but he can't really Frodo.

More Coalition News

Fri, 14 May 2010 03:44:00 EDT

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has said that he is �honoured� by his new appointment as personal fag to David Cameron. Under the arrangement, Mr Clegg will perform household chores for the Prime Minister including pressing his trousers, brushing his jacket and polishing his shoes. In return, Mr Cameron will protect Clegg from being bullied by other members of Cabinet. �Of course Clegg is not a full boarder,� said Cameron, �he�s a day boy. But rest assured, we will treat him with the respect that he deserves.� �This is a unique opportunity,� said Clegg, �For some people, running around and opening doors for your fagmaster might seem demeaning. But for me, this is a price that I have to pay. That, and my lunch money.� David Cameron denied allegations that some Liberal Democrats were already being bullied after Danny Alexander was found with his head down the lavatory and Chris Huhne had to visit matron after being given a wedgie. �This is all part of the rough and tumble of government,� said Cameron, �I am sure that the new boys will soon get used to this horseplay and find their rightful place in the pecking order, at the bottom.� Meanwhile, it is understood that Vince Cable will be expected to wear a pinny and serve tea to Chancellor, George Osborne. �This isn�t exactly what I had signed up for,� said Mr Cable, �and it may take a little while getting used to my new ministerial title as �Scullion�.� When asked whether he had sold out to the Prime Minister, Clegg replied, �I have made his bed, and I will lie in it.

BP ad campaign disaster

Fri, 14 May 2010 03:34:00 EDT

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Newly Weds

Thu, 13 May 2010 07:23:00 EDT

Two newlywed pickles have their first big quarrel. She says,"I'm going home to Mother. You can just dill with it!"

Arizona Vacation

Thu, 13 May 2010 07:23:00 EDT

Nice Day

Thu, 13 May 2010 05:18:00 EDT

Nice Day "Such a nice day out today," a woman thought to herself as she took a walk through the park. Everyone was out. People were sunning themselves, reading books and having picnics. Eventually she came to a spot where the proprietor of the Chinese restaurant in the high street had set up shop outside. He was preparing food to sell right there in the park. The woman walked up to him and asked, "Why are you cooking foodoutside today?" "Why not?" the man replied, "It's a great day for a wok in the park!"

Opps, I did it again...

Wed, 05 May 2010 05:16:00 EDT

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Singing Parrot

Tue, 04 May 2010 11:15:00 EDT

Singing Parrot Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life when he passed by a pet store and heard a squawking voice speaking Yiddish, "Auwwwwk... vus macht du... yeah, you... outside, standing like a schmuck... eh?" Meyer's eyes went wide. He couldn't believe it! The proprietor of the shop sprang out the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella," he said, "and check out this parrot." Inside the store, Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and squawked, "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?" Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?" he asked. "Indeed he does," the shop owner replied. Meyer immediately bought the parrot and carried it home in its cage. That night he talked with the parrot for hours in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America, about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride, about his family, about his years of working in the garment center, about Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some wal- nuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store and how he hated the weekends when the store wasn't open as long as it was during the week. Presently, they both went to sleep. The next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot asked what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer hand-made a miniature yarmulke, placed it on the parrot's head and they prayed together. The parrot wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer taught him the Torah. Since Rosh Hashanah was coming up, he taught the bird to sing the High Holy Service and was very impressed with how beautiful the bird sang. On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed. The parrot asked where he was going. Meyer explained that he was attending the holiday services at the local synagogue. The bird asked if he could please come along. This gave Meyer an idea. He would attend Rosh Hashanah with the parrot and make wagers that the bird could sing the service better than the temple's cantor! So he perched the bird on his shoulder and made for the synagogue. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi. "He's a singing parrot," Meyer explained. "I'll bet he can sing the High Holy Service better than the cantor. He also speaks and prays in Yiddish." The others did not believe him. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could not pray, speak Yiddish or sing. The service began. All eyes were on the African Grey perched on Meyer's shoulder. The bird remained silent as one prayer and song passed, then another, then a third! Meyer began to get annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Pray already!" The parrot said nothing. "Come on! Pray! Sing!" Meyer loudly whispered. "Everyone's looking at you. Don't make a fool out of me!" The parrot remained silent. After the services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his synagogue buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars! He marched home with the bird on his shoulder, saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the temple, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars!" he admonished. "Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, and how to read Hebrew and the Torah? And after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh Hashanah? Why? Why did you do this to me?" "Don't be a schmuck!" the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"

Sitting

Tue, 04 May 2010 04:32:00 EDT

Picture - http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/dust.jpg

More chlorine needed in the gene pool...

Tue, 13 Apr 2010 10:03:00 EDT

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New Elderly care Programme

Tue, 13 Apr 2010 09:38:00 EDT

The Government has refused proper health care to many elderly citizens due to their advancing years. It is a worrying problem for many but help is at hand. Join the new free care plan today, If you are 65 years or older you can apply. All new members will receive a gun and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot one MP (two if you live in England ), one MSP, one councillor and just to be sure of a long sentence, someone you really don't like and think the world could do without. As part of the plan, you will leave enough evidence to make sure you are caught and in due course will be sent to prison. There you will get a safe central heated environment, three meals a day, lots of company, free TV and an assortment of games plus - most importantly - all the health care you need! New teeth needed? No problem. New glasses? They'll be provided. New hip, knees, kidney, lung, heart? They're all covered too. And who will pay for all of this? The same governments that told you they cannot afford your current health care. And as an added bonus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay income tax anymore. Britain. A GREAT country or what?

Pleasure Trip

Tue, 13 Apr 2010 09:32:00 EDT

I've just come back from a pleasure trip.....I drove the in-laws to the airport...

Travel Agents

Tue, 13 Apr 2010 09:31:00 EDT

I went in to a travel agents as asked where I could go for �50. He told me.

An Election Letter From Gordon Brown

Sun, 11 Apr 2010 03:21:00 EDT

Dear NuLabour friend. Firstly, please turn off Jeremy Kyle for a moment... Crivens! Things aren't looking too clever are they? Them evil Tory toffs keep talking about people 'working for a living' which I know frightens many of you, especially the 600,000 I've recruited into the Public Sector since 1997. I can pledge now that not a feather from your bed will be removed if you vote for me, no matter how many times, on 6th May. I can assure you that a vote for the Tory toffs will mean our beloved Engermerlund! team losing to some greasy dagos in the 1st round of the World Cup. And hard-working benefit claimants will be hunted by packs of hounds. I myself will soon have to make the agonising choice between stupendously well-paid jobs at the World Bank or at the EU. But by jings, many at the EU are 'in thrall to Rome' has my old Dad would say. So I know exactly how you feel choosing between working the till at KFC or Primark; alas only graduates can dream of a position at the Greggs. You tell me you are worried so many children at your local school can't speak English. I have solved this at a stroke, by redefining for statistical purposes "speaking English" to include speaking Urdu, Polish, Punjabi and Romani so you can rest easy. Hoots! All these initiatives are carefully costed and will require the Bank of England printing no more than another �100B this year. Prudence is always my watchword. Vote Labour. Or I'll be round to give yous a batterin'! Gordon.

Questions

Fri, 09 Apr 2010 10:59:00 EDT

During a furious thunderstorm in Ireland, lightning strikes a car in which three Priests were travelling, and all three find themselves in Heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, how many of you have molested altar boys?" Two hands went up. "Right," said St Peter. "You two go down to Hell. Oh, and take that deaf Priest with you!"

Council Workers

Wed, 24 Mar 2010 06:34:00 EDT

Running short of shovels on a remote road project, the foreman texted the council offices for more. That afternoon he received the following text in return: "Have no more to send; tell men to lean on each other."

More Business Ethics

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 11:53:00 EDT

Ben Cohen and his brother Moishe are partners in a menswear business. One day Ben's son asks his father:"Dad, what's business ethics mean?" "This I can explain, son. "Someone comes into the shop and buys a tie for �12. He pays with a �20 note, I give him the change. "As he goes out I realise he gave me a �50 note, not a twenty. "So there's the question of business ethics: do I tell Moishe or not?".

She made it

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 05:22:00 EDT

His wife's graveside service had just finished when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she made it."

Bagels

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 10:33:00 EDT

Bagels Protect your bagels, put lox on them.

What....?

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 08:47:00 EDT

What do you call an Irishman bouncing off walls? Rick O'Shay

King Tut

Tue, 23 Feb 2010 03:41:00 EDT

Scientists think that Egypt's most famous pharaoh, King Tut, died of complications from a broken leg. He thought magical waters would heal the break, so he never went to the doctor; you might say he was constantly in 'de Nile.

Difference

Sun, 21 Feb 2010 10:11:00 EDT

What's the difference between Gordon Brown's government and the Mafia? One of them is organized.

Trying

Sun, 21 Feb 2010 10:10:00 EDT

I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a pun about limousines, but I have nothing to chauffeur it

New Clinic

Sun, 21 Feb 2010 10:09:00 EDT

A new clinic for depression is opening up in my town. It's being run by three Jewish doctors. It is being referred to as "OY's 'R US".

What....

Sun, 21 Feb 2010 10:09:00 EDT

What has four wheels and flies?........................... A wheelie bin

Suicidal Cheese

Fri, 22 Jan 2010 02:04:00 EDT

How do you talk down a cheese standing at the edge of a cliff? ..Very caerphilly.

Heaven

Thu, 21 Jan 2010 05:08:00 EDT

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven 1st woman: Hi! Barbara. 2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.............................

Bad Prognosis

Wed, 20 Jan 2010 05:57:00 EDT

At the conclusion of the physical exam, the doctor summoned his patient into his office with a very grave look on his face. "I hate to be the one to break it to you, Fred," he said, "but I'm afraid you've only got about 6 months to live.................."

Mary Clancy

Tue, 19 Jan 2010 10:28:00 EDT

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says to her, "What's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night................."

The Truth of the Internet

Tue, 19 Jan 2010 09:54:00 EDT

The Truth of the Internet

Stalkers

Tue, 19 Jan 2010 09:53:00 EDT

Stalkers....

My Wife

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 08:00:00 EDT

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

New Year's Resolution

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 08:00:00 EDT

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution.......... 1024�768

Juggling

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 08:00:00 EDT

It's not that I don't know how to juggle, I just don't have the balls �

Flu Fear

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 03:25:00 EDT

Flu Fear

Irony

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 02:45:00 EDT

Global Warming Irony

Canadian Living Eh!

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 09:54:00 EDT

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA 1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math. 2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown. 3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations. 4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on. 5. Weed. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA 1. Big rock between you and B.C. 2. Ottawa who? 3. Tax is 5% instead ofthe approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country. 4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of. 5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country. 6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN 1. You never run out of wheat. 2. Your province is really easy to draw. 3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours. 4. People will assume you live on a farm. 5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that! TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA 1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property. 2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes. 3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter. 4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood. 5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO 1. You live in the centre of the universe. 2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump. 3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election. 4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC 1. Racism is socially acceptable. 2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next. 3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada. 4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!" TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK 1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income. 2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies. 3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick. 4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA 1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can. 2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt. 3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND 1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island , you still got the big, new bridge. 2. You can walk across the province in half an hour. 3. You can drive across the province in two minutes. 4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea." 5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from. 6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night. TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND 1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea. 2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse. 3. The workday is about two hours long. 4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.

Upgrade

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 11:02:00 EDT

On a Northwest Airways flight from Atlanta, GA , a well attired middle-aged woman found herself sitting next to a man wearing a kippa ("yarmulke" in Yiddish). She called the attendant over to complain about her seating. "What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant. "You've sat me next to a Jew!! I can't possibly sit next to this strange man. Please find me another seat!" "Madam, I will see what I can do to accommodate," the attendant replied, "but the flight is virtually full today and I don't know if there is another seat available." The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man beside her (not to mention the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the attendant returned and said, "Madam, the economy and club sections are full, however, we do have one seat in First class............................."

Fishing

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 05:28:00 EDT

I went fishing the other day and I caught a conger eel. Reeling him in was easy, but getting him in the net was a different story. The thing wouldn't stop dancing.

Outside a mosque

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 05:21:00 EDT

The other day, I saw a dyslexic outside a mosque in a lion costume. He'd converted to Aslan.

Headline of the year

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 09:04:00 EDT

Headline of the year :O)

Today?

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 10:44:00 EDT

Today?

Police Cultural Differences

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 06:34:00 EDT

How do you tell the difference between... a UK Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?.............

Funeral Weather

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 08:27:00 EDT

As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to nagging her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the vicar and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

My Mum

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 08:10:00 EDT

My mum ran off with the milkman when I was eight years old. Watching them drive away on his float was the worst three hours of my life.

Timely Warning

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 03:27:00 EDT

A visitor goes in to a bar in Boston (the small village on the East coast of the US not the hustling metropolis on the East coat of the UK). He orders a beer, sits at the bar and strikes up a conversation with a couple of his neighbours at the bar and the bar-tender. After a round or two he says: "I've got an Irish joke I'd like to tell you" The bar falls silent and the bar-tender, seeking to avoid a disturbance says in his brogue "Now sir before you tell your joke you might like to think about this. "You're in an Irish bar in an Irish neighbourhood in town. Mebbe 90% of the patrons here are Irish and indeed I'm Irish meself. So do you really want to tell this joke" "Oh thanks for the warning I'll tell it slowly then"

It's a gift... or not...

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 03:53:00 EDT

It's a gift... or not...

How the Welsh language was really invented

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 01:37:00 EDT

How the Welsh language was really invented

Where did we come from?

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 02:13:00 EDT

Where did we come from?

Paralympic plane crash

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 03:42:00 EDT

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert.....................

Text Regrets

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 03:19:00 EDT

Text Regrets

Fire

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 04:23:00 EDT

Fire...

Autumn Nuts

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 04:22:00 EDT

Autumn Nuts

CSI Paris

Fri, 09 Oct 2009 05:33:00 EDT

CSI Paris

Sex On The Sabbath

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 06:29:00 EDT

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted the Sabbath..............................."

Girl's Dashboard

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 12:24:00 EDT

Girl's Dashboard

Passive

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 05:11:00 EDT

Passive

Turn On

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 05:11:00 EDT

Turn On

Jewish Beggar

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 03:59:00 EDT

Jewish Beggar An old Jewish beggar was out on the street, begging with his tin cup. A man passed by and the beggar said to him, "Sir, could you spare ten pence for a cup of coffee?" The man asked, "Where can you get coffee for ten pence?" "Who buys retail?" replied the beggar.

SAS

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 08:06:00 EDT

Osama Bin Laden calls all of his cronies to his cave one day for a security brief. "We've been told by intelligence that there are a number of SAS trying to infiltrate our holy organisation," Osama shouts out, "So we are upping the security patrols!Mustafa,Mohammed,Imran and Dave, you take the first patrol!"

Dismissal

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 08:05:00 EDT

I got fired whilst working at Blackpool pleasure beach once. But I successfully sued them for funfair dismissal..........

Into Heaven

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 07:30:00 EDT

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very sad because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him....................

Confession

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 02:28:00 EDT

Confession

Australia

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 14:13:00 EDT

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either...............

Drunk Driving

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 10:20:00 EDT

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a police officer. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" "I'm a juggler, and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah? Let's see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

Dr Kovacs

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 09:00:00 EDT

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmud scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought, "This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.................

Breaking Legal News

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 04:22:00 EDT

Breaking Legal News

In Columbia

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 09:05:00 EDT

Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Colombia. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to prison......................

The First Ironic American

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 02:35:00 EDT

New York - Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony. "It was weird" Fullmer said...............

Canadian Girls

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 02:30:00 EDT

Canadian Girls

Letter

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 02:29:00 EDT

I got a letter from the Origami Association this morning. I don't know what to make of it.

Beer!

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 11:38:00 EDT

Fancy one?

Pallbearers

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 11:35:00 EDT

Pallbearers

Crime Stoppers

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 09:45:00 EDT

Robber:- Give me the money or you're Geography. Bank Clerk:- Don't you mean History? Robber:- Don't start changing the subject.

In Prison

Fri, 04 Sep 2009 09:04:00 EDT

Several years ago, John was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The Governer saw that deep down, John was a good person and made arrangements for John to learn a trade while doing his time...............

Last Night

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 14:41:00 EDT

I was out clubbing with some mates last night. Pulled this Welsh girl in one of the bars. 5'7", blonde, body and face of a model, and a great rack.................

Owner's Manual

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 06:50:00 EDT

Does anyone have the owners manual for a wife? Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise........

Stupidity

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 06:42:00 EDT

Stupidity

The secrets of a happy marriage...

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 06:31:00 EDT

The secrets of a happy marriage... Tools, Internet options, Clear history, Delete files, Delete cookies.

Looking

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 14:12:00 EDT

As I stood there naked, looking in the Mirror, I thought to myself... '...they're gonna kick me out of this newsagents pretty soon!'

My Girlfriend

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 14:12:00 EDT

My girlfriend, Ruth, is really starting to annoy me. She always complains when I watch football, but insists on watching her crappy girly TV programmes. She takes hours in the bathroom and somehow manages to look uglier when she's finished! I think it's time to get ruthless.

Feng Shui

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 14:10:00 EDT

I had my house inspected by a feng shui expert. She told me that the whole house was fine, apart from the room at the top of the house in the loft. I think it might be a little problem attic.

Miracle

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 06:45:00 EDT

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Praise!

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 08:26:00 EDT

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible Motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.............................."

EU Directive No. 456179

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 06:58:00 EDT

EU Directive No. 456179 In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009 . From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'. Thank you for your attention.

My Ex-wife, The Pilot

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 06:57:00 EDT

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year................

Magician's assistant

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 06:12:00 EDT

What do you call a dead magician's assistant? An abracadaver

At The Pawnbrokers

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 02:25:00 EDT

A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence...................

Cosmo magazine, the truth...

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 11:05:00 EDT

Cosmo magazine, the truth...

Jewish Sex

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 10:35:00 EDT

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi...........

Dinner?

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 03:03:00 EDT

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Jewish Cemetery

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 05:28:00 EDT

A Jewish man visits a cemetery where only the most wealthy Jews were buried. Big mausoleums, large enough to hold entire families, impressive structures, like Greek temples. Windows done by Tiffany. Gold leaf. The Jew looks, sighs, and says, "Now that's living."

Dwarves

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 05:17:00 EDT

There used to be 50 dwarves, but it wasn't until they were down to 8 before someone suspected Hungry....

Do you suffer from PTSD?

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 10:57:00 EDT

Do you suffer from PTSD?

What's That America?

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 09:44:00 EDT

What's That America?

Psychic

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 02:36:00 EDT

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. After paying her a scandalous amount of money, the psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Grandaughter? Are you there?" The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat responds. "Grandmother? Is that you?" "Yes grandaughter, it's me," is the response. "It's really, really you grandmother?" the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me grandaughter." The woman looks puzzled. "You're SURE it's you grandmother?" "Yes, grandaughter - I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment. "Grandmother, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child," comes the response. The woman pauses another moment before asking, "Grandmother -- when did you learn to speak English?"

Jewish Knighthood

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 02:31:00 EDT

A well known Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover Seder..... "Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot." Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Paris in the Springtime

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 02:22:00 EDT

A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed. "What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!" A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth. "What happened?", he asked.................................

Paris

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 02:21:00 EDT

Do you think that the Hilton Hotel show 1 night in Paris on their pay-per-view?

Burglar

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 08:37:00 EDT

Did you hear about the burglar who broke into the calendar factory? He got twelve months.

My Mate

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 08:34:00 EDT

My mate has a fear of high walls. He's having real trouble getting over it.

The History of the English Language

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 07:04:00 EDT

In the beginning there was an island off the coast of Europe. It had no name, for the natives had no language, only a collection of grunts and gestures that roughly translated to "Hey!", "Gimme!", and "Pardon me, but would you happen to have any woad?" Then the Romans invaded it and called it Britain, because the natives were "blue, nasty, br(u-i)tish and short." This was the start of the importance of u (and its mispronunciation) to the language. After building some roads, killing off some of the nasty little blue people and walling up the rest, the Romans left, taking the language instruction manual with them.....................

Pregnant Scots Girl

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 06:46:00 EDT

A pregnant teenage Scots girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken' 'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from? 'Fae my knickers tae ma feet. '

My Ex-wife

Mon, 10 Aug 2009 05:00:00 EDT

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend. To be honest, I should've seen the signs.................................

Yakob is dying

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 11:59:00 EDT

Yakob was on his death bed, breathing his last. His family had gathered around him. Through half-closed eyes and a barely audible voice he asked, "Mama-you here?" "Yes, Papa....................."

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 03:51:00 EDT

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever, and Sam, well let's just say he was not so virtuous. Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together. Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.................

How to get to heaven

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 06:04:00 EDT

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.................

Quasimodo too

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 05:53:00 EDT

Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup. "I think some- thing is wrong with your back," the doctor says. "What makes you say that?" asks Quasimodo. "Oh," replies the doctor... "just a hunch."

Grandmas

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 01:46:00 EDT

Grandmas, they're sneaky! http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/gm.jpg

Dr Epstein

Wed, 05 Aug 2009 01:45:00 EDT

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again..................................

Australian Police Test

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 10:56:00 EDT

An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. " "Why the rabbit?" "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Swine Flu Warning

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 04:50:00 EDT

Swine Flu Warning

Convent Fire

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 16:10:00 EDT

Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out. They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window. After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, "Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old? The nun Replied, "Nah, don't you know old habits are hard to break!!

Gordon Brown Resigns

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 09:14:00 EDT

At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign. His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.......................

Irish Medical Dictionary

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 04:38:00 EDT

Irish Medical Dictionary Artery.... The study of paintings Bacteria..............Back door to the cafeteria. Barium...................What doctors do when patients die.............

Man And Giraffe

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 10:23:00 EDT

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar and begin drinking. After a few drinks the giraffe gets drunk and falls asleep, meanwhile the man tries to leave. The barman notices the drunk animal on the floor and says to the man "Oi! You can't leave that lyin' there!" and the man turns around and says "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

First Tweet

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 04:41:00 EDT

@eve - How'd you like them apples? @adam - sweet...like u r @eve - nice snake @adam - ROGOEL (rolling on garden of eden laughing) @god - both of u. GTFO!

Is sex work or pleasure?

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 04:32:00 EDT

The Commanding Officer of a Regiment in the British Army about to start the morning briefing to his staff and company commanders.......

Learning?

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 04:31:00 EDT

So, what did you learn?

Hurry Up

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 03:50:00 EDT

Swine Flu Humour - Hurry Up Picture

Every Cloud

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 03:49:00 EDT

Swine Flu Humour.....Every Cloud Picture

It Could Have Been Worse

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 03:48:00 EDT

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse....................."

My New Job

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 06:48:00 EDT

After a career change, I'm now working as an Apprentice at Madame Tussauds. I was really thrilled when, on day two, Barack Obama was announced as the next person to be created out of Wax. When I asked if I could be involved with the mouldings, I was told in no uncertain terms that experience counts for everything and that I, as a beginner, wasn't allowed to set a president.

Go on, back you go!

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 05:34:00 EDT

Picture - Go on, back you go!

New Abacus

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 03:28:00 EDT

I bought a new abacus from a street corner salesman this morning. I said "This looks a bit dodgey, are you sure it's going to work?" "Don't count on it" he replied

Women

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 08:38:00 EDT

Women are like a Tesco's shopping trolley with a dodgy wheel, You know they haven't but sometimes, you'd swear they had a mind of their own.

Dog Fight

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 04:54:00 EDT

Dog Fight At the height of the arms race, the Western World and Russians realised that, if they continued, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight. The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast..................................

Picture - Is nothing sacred?

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 06:26:00 EDT

Picture - Is nothing sacred?

Picture - Risen

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 05:39:00 EDT

Picture - Risen

Picture - Mints

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 08:43:00 EDT

Picture - Mints

Picture - Graffiti

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 08:42:00 EDT

Picture - Graffiti

Dog

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 02:10:00 EDT

Paddy: "Would you like to buy my dog?" Mick : "What kind is it?" Paddy: "It's a Dalmatian." Mick : "Is it clean?" Paddy: "Spotless."

Picture - Bloggers

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 04:43:00 EDT

Picture - Bloggers

Socialist Hell

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 04:34:00 EDT

George dies and goes to hell. He notices one sign that says "Socialist Hell," and another that says "Capitalist Hell..............."

Enterprise In These Troubled Times

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 04:53:00 EDT

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic black bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while, a �20 note fell out onto the pavement............

Implants

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 04:44:00 EDT

Implants....

Big Bang

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 04:40:00 EDT

In the '90s astronomers discovered that analysis of minute variations in the cosmic microwave background could be interpreted to reveal sounds from before the big bang. ...

Kosher Computers

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 04:12:00 EDT

I don't know if you know this, but you can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low... even with the shipping from Israel! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:

My Cousin Moshe.......

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 04:11:00 EDT

.....has just opened a new cut-price kosher supermarket....

Welsh Rugby Fan

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 03:07:00 EDT

A Welsh rugby fan is drinking in an English bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical welsh baby boy weighing 25 pounds. ............................

Dogs

Thu, 21 May 2009 05:46:00 EDT

A Poodle and a Collie are walking together when the Poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Schnauzer, and I'm jittery as a cat." "Why don't you see a psychiatrist?" suggests the Collie. "I can't," says the Poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

Squiffy's new job didn't last long...

Thu, 21 May 2009 03:18:00 EDT

Squiffy's new job didn't last long...

Chelsea Flower Show Woe

Wed, 20 May 2009 05:44:00 EDT

Chelsea Flower Show Woe

Crab problem

Wed, 20 May 2009 05:39:00 EDT

Crab Problem

A little light Mowing

Wed, 20 May 2009 05:34:00 EDT

A little light Mowing

Blackpool

Fri, 15 May 2009 03:19:00 EDT

Apparently Blackpool is targeting French tourists. Sarkosy has issued an unconditional surrender.

Credit Crunch

Fri, 15 May 2009 03:18:00 EDT

The credit crunch is worse than I thought. I just got a letter from Readers Digest saying I had not been included in this months prize draw.

Pay Back Time

Fri, 15 May 2009 03:07:00 EDT

Pay Back Time

The Barber

Fri, 15 May 2009 03:06:00 EDT

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door........................

MS Protest March

Thu, 14 May 2009 05:08:00 EDT

MS Protest March...............

Pirate

Wed, 13 May 2009 14:28:00 EDT

A pirate walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, where did you get that?"

One for the ladies,..

Tue, 12 May 2009 01:50:00 EDT

One for the ladies,..

Take Note!

Fri, 08 May 2009 09:00:00 EDT

http://www.shof.msrcsites.co.uk/bod.jpg

Grandma?

Fri, 08 May 2009 07:40:00 EDT

A little boy had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked his grandma, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

Meanwhile in the 100 Acre Wood......

Fri, 01 May 2009 02:09:00 EDT

Meanwhile in the 100 Acre Wood......

Jewish Wedding Proposal

Fri, 01 May 2009 02:08:00 EDT

Morris had proposed to young Sherry, and was being interviewed by Sam, his prospective father-in-law.........

Constipation Cure

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 03:22:00 EDT

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

Reports

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 09:04:00 EDT

These are comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. 1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig..........

Stars In Their Eyes

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 03:14:00 EDT

Matthew Kelly was backstage at Stars In Your Eyes when he saw two contestants in the corner, one was a middle aged guy in a wheelchair together with his younger nephew called Simon.................

Suicide

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 01:52:00 EDT

An Irishman wearing nothing but Wellingtons goes up to the top of a block of flats and jumps off. The Police and some eyewitnesses are standing round the body talking when a Policeman says, "It looked as though he committed suicide then. He went up to the top and just jumped....................."

My Dad

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 01:49:00 EDT

When I was a kid, my dad was a binman.......

BREAKING NEWS:

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 04:03:00 EDT

Inspired by events in New York City on 9/11 it has emerged that the IRA has hijacked a hot air balloon and bounced off Canary Wharf three times.

Seance

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 10:01:00 EDT

went to a seance in a probiotic yoghurt factory the other week.........

IVS

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 10:01:00 EDT

I've been unable to get the letters A E I O and U out of my head.....

Squiffy The Clown

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 10:56:00 EDT

Squiffy the Clown worked in a circus. Although he made everybody laugh, because he was a very funny clown, inside Squiffy was sad. He was sad because he loved Mimi the trapeze artiste, but she was in love with Bruno the strong man. Squiffy knew he stood no chance against the big strong and handsome Bruno, who could bend iron bars with his bare hands and catch bullets in his teeth. So Squiffy was very, very sad and had a big clown�s tear painted on his face..........

Criminals

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 10:55:00 EDT

Today, I was amazed when I found out the hard way how police now stop criminals. I was stunned.

Bungee Jumping

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 01:49:00 EDT

*Bungee Jumping* English: �20 Irish: �10 Americans: jump for free - no strings attatched.

Telecomunications

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 08:48:00 EDT

I tried to send a document via telecomunications technology, but it came out all wonky at the other end.....

Forgetfulness

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 00:52:00 EDT

I completely forgot how to throw my boomerang this morning..........

Blind Trip

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 11:38:00 EDT

A coach driver is transporting a group of blind kids back from a school trip. It's a hot summer's day and he decides to stop for a break at a country pub. As the blind kids get out the coach he notices them carrying a football. "How are you gonna play football? You're blind", he enquires. "Oh we've got a special football with a bell in it", says one of the kids, "Go and have a drink, we'll be fine......................."

New Job

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 11:35:00 EDT

I started a new job last week answering the phones at the British Stammering & Stuttering Association............

10 words

Sun, 01 Mar 2009 02:42:00 EDT

Ten words , two commas, a punctuation mark and a full stop all appeared in court yesterday......

Arguements

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 01:43:00 EDT

I was having another row with the wife last night.............

Magic Circle

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 01:42:00 EDT

I recently tried to join the Magic Circle, but failed the interview...............

Blackpool Donkeys

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 01:42:00 EDT

What do Blackpool donkeys get for dinner?

Oz Sign

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 04:58:00 EDT

Oz Sign

Things are really bad at home!

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 02:37:00 EDT

She says she's sick of me! She says It's either football, rugby, cricket, boxing, Always sport on the telly.....................

Diversifying in the downturn

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 02:36:00 EDT

The credit crunch is tough but we�ve diversified. ...............

Her Hand In Marriage

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 02:35:00 EDT

A man patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent................."

I broke...........

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 02:34:00 EDT

I broke............ ...........into an ice cream van last night.............

Me and my mates

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 06:40:00 EDT

A group of clowns rent furnished flats in a block, but are annoyed to discover they haven't been provided with ironing boards. So they go to complain to their landlord, pointing out that all the other tenants have ironing boards except them....................

Jewish Undertakers

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 06:39:00 EDT

Two Jewish gentlemen were working at the undertakers, when a corpse was sent to them to be prepared for burial.........

Picture - Congratulations

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 05:41:00 EDT

Picture - Congratulations

Picture - Cat Trouble

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 05:31:00 EDT

Picture - Cat Trouble

Housewives Top Tip

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 05:30:00 EDT

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom.............

Air Jamaica

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 05:30:00 EDT

After an Air Jamaica flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain; welcome to Flight 025, non-stop from Kingston to Miami . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth, uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and...OH, MY GOD!"

Bomber

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 05:29:00 EDT

Bomber goes into a pet shop, puts bomb on the counter and says "You all have 5 minutes to get out before this bomb goes off"............

Picture - Yard Work

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 05:10:00 EDT

Picture - Yard Work

Picture - 50

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 05:09:00 EDT

Picture - 50

Picture - Men at Work

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 05:09:00 EDT

Picture - Men at Work

Picture - Ladies!

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 05:08:00 EDT

Picture - Ladies!

Scottish Style

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 05:07:00 EDT

Scotsman goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute. He asks her, "How much do yee charrrge forrrr an hourrr?"

Twins

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 01:50:00 EDT

A gendarme stops a UK registered car in Paris because one of it's brake lights isn't working. He asks the driver to get out of the car and the passenger to stay put..........

Parrot

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 01:50:00 EDT

During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer...............

Wager

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 01:49:00 EDT

It was payday at the docks, and the usual raucous crowd filled the waterfront tavern, when a voice rose above the noise. "A thousand pounds says my friend here can satisfy 100 women in a row with a single erection............."

Picture - Take that!

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 10:19:00 EDT

Picture - Take that!

As I staggered......

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 10:17:00 EDT

out of the pub and down the street, I was stopped by a policeman.

Spring of 1778

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 10:17:00 EDT

I remember well the spring of 1778. I had just received my degree from Oxford and was ready to take my place as a partner in my father's shipping and trading company. Father had made his fortune trading along the St. Lawrence Seaway and the new colony of Newfoundland...........

Picture - Bunnies for Sale

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 07:23:00 EDT

Picture - Bunnies for Sale

Picture - New Men's Magazine

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 07:22:00 EDT

Picture - New Men's Magazine

Picture - Not drunk

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 04:39:00 EDT

Picture - Not drunk

Picture - Customer Conference

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 04:39:00 EDT

Picture - Customer Conference

Picture - Age

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 04:38:00 EDT

Picture - Age

Picture - Clowns

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 04:37:00 EDT

Picture - Clowns

Cure Found!

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 04:36:00 EDT

They found a cure for mad cow disease:

The Lord Of The Manor

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 04:35:00 EDT

The Lord of the Manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to Sir Archibald Carpley..............

The Spoiled Under 30's

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 04:35:00 EDT

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning...uphill BOTH ways, moan moan moan. And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to talk nonsense like that about how hard I had it and how easy kids today have it............

At The Asylum

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 04:40:00 EDT

A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his asylum with a couple of students.............

Picture - This will not end well

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 04:34:00 EDT

Picture - This will not end well

Picture - Fish in love

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 06:22:00 EDT

Picture - Fish in love

Picture - Beauty

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 06:21:00 EDT

Picture - Beauty

Picture - Nagging through the ages

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 06:20:00 EDT

Picture - Nagging through the ages

Picture - How to make a man happy

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 06:20:00 EDT

Picture - How to make a man happy

Picture - Squiffy meets an untimely end

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 06:19:00 EDT

Picture - Squiffy meets an untimely end

Adam

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 06:18:00 EDT

Adam asks God, "How come all the animals have both males and females, yet I am alone upon this earth?" And God replies, "I have saved the best for last. For you I have planed Woman. She will cook for you, clean for you, take care of your every need. Your life will be sheer pleasure...................."

STRICT, UNBENDING RULES FOR DEALING WITH STRAY CATS

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 06:17:00 EDT

1. Stray cats will not be fed. 2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.............

What Is A Grandparent?

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 06:16:00 EDT

(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds) Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man grandmother.............................

Picture - Beware!

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 11:03:00 EDT

Picture - Beware!

Picture - Psychic Fair

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 11:03:00 EDT

Picture - Psychic Fair

Picture - Welsh Navy

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 11:02:00 EDT

Picture - Welsh Navy

Picture - Luftwaffe

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 11:02:00 EDT

Picture - Luftwaffe

Picture - Men

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 11:02:00 EDT

Picture - Men

Picture - Spectacles

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 11:01:00 EDT

Picture - Spectacles

Picture - Santa's been poisoned!

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 11:00:00 EDT

Picture - Santa's been poisoned!

Picture - Santa and the vindaloo

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 10:59:00 EDT

Picture - Santa and the vindaloo

Picture - We'll pop back

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 10:58:00 EDT

Picture - We'll pop back

Picture - Dogs Xmas

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 10:58:00 EDT

Picture - Dogs Xmas

Picture - Teenagers

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:51:00 EDT

Picture - Teenagers

Picture - Top 10 Rejection Lines

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:50:00 EDT

Picture - Top 10 Rejection Lines

Picture - Eat Him

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:50:00 EDT

Picture - Eat Him

Prince Charles

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 05:49:00 EDT

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Everyday, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.............

Santa Squiffy's Christmas Grotto

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 05:56:00 EDT

Help me raise �10,000 for the Multiple Sclerosis Resource Centre this Christmas by donating at Santa Squiffy's Christmas Grotto - visit, laugh, donate, help the MSRC people affected by Multiple Sclerosis. squiffs :O)

Picture - Entrepeneur

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 04:34:00 EDT

Picture - Entrepeneur

Picture - Frosty

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 04:34:00 EDT

Picture - Frosty

Picture - America's Joyous Future

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 04:33:00 EDT

Picture - America's Joyous Future

Picture - A love story told in just 3 pictures!

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 04:32:00 EDT

Picture - A love story told in just 3 pictures!

Picture - If

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 04:32:00 EDT

Picture - If

Picture - Something for the ladies

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 04:31:00 EDT

Picture - Something for the ladies

Picture - Delusional Bride

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 04:31:00 EDT

Picture - Delusional Bride

Robin hood's Last Arrow

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 04:29:00 EDT

Robin Hood lay dying his trusted aide, Little John, by his side...........

Picture - Attack Egg

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 02:30:38 EDT

Picture - Attack Egg

Picture - Hokey Pokey

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 02:30:17 EDT

Picture - Hokey Pokey

Picture - Confused Lesbians

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 02:29:53 EDT

Picture - Confused Lesbians

Picture - Welsh Shame

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 02:29:21 EDT

Picture - Welsh Shame

0 - 200 in under 6 seconds

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 02:28:37 EDT

"Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him " Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!

Picture - i-boob

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 03:39:34 EDT

Picture - i-boob

Picture - PantyHose

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 03:39:12 EDT

Picture - PantyHose

Picture - Latest Lady's Kitchen Accessory

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 09:55:38 EDT

Picture - Latest Lady's Kitchen Accessory

Picture - Limitations

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 09:54:56 EDT

Picture - Limitations

Picture - Perfect Girlfriend

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 09:54:29 EDT

Picture - Perfect Girlfriend

Picture - Vodka

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 09:53:47 EDT

Picture - Vodka

Picture - No Dogs!

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 09:53:26 EDT

Picture - No Dogs!

Picture - Naughty Rabbit

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 09:53:02 EDT

Picture - Naughty Rabbit

Picture - Helpful husband

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 09:52:41 EDT

Picture - Helpful husband

Picture - Geek leak

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 11:59:37 EDT

Picture - Geek leak

Picture - Wedding Vows

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 04:44:08 EDT

Picture - Wedding Vows

Picture - Atheist

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 04:43:43 EDT

Picture - Atheist

Picture - Being poor has it's good points.

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 04:43:18 EDT

Picture - Being poor has it's good points.

Picture - Maternity Ward

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 04:42:47 EDT

Picture - Maternity Ward

At The Pub

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 04:40:59 EDT

Two blokes left the pub after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. `After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at he window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window..............

Calming Down The Patient

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 06:06:25 EDT

The patient was very upset when the doctor told him he needed a tonsillectomy. Later, while filling out the admission form, the patient was so nervous he couldn't speak.......

Quotation - Ability

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 06:05:53 EDT

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter....

Wedding Night

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 06:43:19 EDT

On their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room................

Biofuels

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 06:42:31 EDT

Biofuels have recently become big news, but the concept has been around for many years...........

Engine Trouble

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 06:41:47 EDT

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing...........

Video - Blind date

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 06:40:49 EDT

Video - Blind date

Picture - Women are evil!

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 06:39:51 EDT

Picture - Women are evil!

Picture - Dog washing

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 06:39:21 EDT

Picture - Dog washing

Picture - Stupid Questions

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 04:51:13 EDT

Picture - Stupid Questions

Picture - Women Beware!

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 10:07:41 EDT

Picture - Women Beware!

Picture - Her Job

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 10:07:13 EDT

Picture - Her Job

Picture - Why?

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 10:06:39 EDT

Picture - Why?

Picture - Serenity

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 10:06:11 EDT

Picture - Serenity

Picture - Idiot!

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 03:51:07 EDT

Picture - Idiot!

Picture - Mistakes

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 03:50:35 EDT

Picture - Mistakes

Picture - Prematurity

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 03:50:13 EDT

Picture - Prematurity

4 Israelis

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 03:26:28 EDT

Four Israelis are sitting in a restaurant in Tel Aviv. For a long time, nobody says a word. Finally, one man groans, "Oy.........."

Picture - Bad Sign

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 10:23:57 EDT

Picture - Bad Sign

Picture - Logo Creation

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 10:23:31 EDT

Picture - Logo Creation

Picture - No Parking

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 10:23:04 EDT

Picture - No Parking

Picture - IT Bingo

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 10:22:31 EDT

Picture - IT Bingo

Picture - OJ

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 03:58:44 EDT

Picture - OJ

Chat Show (For the Brits)

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 03:58:08 EDT

"Doctor I feel the need to sit on the couch in my good suit late of an evening and talk to celebrities..........."

Picture - Sad Teddy

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 06:24:05 EDT

Picture - Sad Teddy

Picture - Fixed

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 06:23:37 EDT

Picture - Fixed

Picture - Can't trust those Bunnies

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 06:23:15 EDT

Picture - Can't trust those Bunnies

Picture - Enjoy the cartoon

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 06:22:47 EDT

Picture - Enjoy the cartoon

Picture - Cat Scan

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 06:22:21 EDT

Picture - Cat Scan

Picture - Gay

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 06:21:54 EDT

Picture - Gay

Rookie Sailor

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 06:21:15 EDT

Newfie goes down to the Grand Bank wharf looking for work and comes up to this captain of a fishing boat and says " Hey Capt'n got any work fer me?.........."

The Rabbi Speaks

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 04:24:48 EDT

Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons............

Picture - Women Driver's Association AGM

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 02:17:32 EDT

Picture - Women Driver's Association AGM

Picture - So you've met Squiffy

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 02:16:54 EDT

Picture - So you've met Squiffy

Picture - So blonde

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 02:16:23 EDT

Picture - So blonde

Picture - cheating death

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 02:15:49 EDT

Picture - cheating death

Picture - she was so blonde...

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 09:13:24 EDT

Picture - she was so blonde...

Picture- Suicide

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 09:12:50 EDT

Picture- Suicide

Picture - Opps!

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 09:12:19 EDT

Picture - Opps!

Picture - How times change

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 09:11:36 EDT

Picture - How times change

Picture - Virus

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 04:34:02 EDT

Picture - Virus

Picture - Revival

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 04:33:41 EDT

Picture - Revival

4 Letter Words

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 04:33:06 EDT

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away......

Dromedary

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 03:44:16 EDT

There was one a dromedary whose fur was an amazingly close match in colour...........................

Picture - French Fish

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 03:43:19 EDT

Picture - French Fish

Picture - Australian Citizenship Application

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 09:43:27 EDT

Picture - Australian Citizenship Application

Picture - Ain't love grand

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 09:42:37 EDT

Picture - Ain't love grand

Picture - Bush Junior does his first (and last) tour of Iraq

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 09:42:08 EDT

Picture - Bush Junior does his first (and last) tour of Iraq

Picture - Love bite

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 09:41:29 EDT

Picture - Love bite

Squiffy Goes To Confessional

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 12:21:54 EDT

Squiffy went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, he said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned................"

Adam and Eve

Sun, 09 Sep 2007 09:35:56 EDT

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden........

Picture - 2012

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 09:35:42 EDT

Picture - 2012

Why Men Stay Best Friends

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 04:13:39 EDT

Friendship between women: A woman didn't come home one night.......................

Watches

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 04:36:51 EDT

Squiffy goes into a shop in Tel Aviv after looking at all the watches in the shop window........

Picture - Public Service Announcement

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 04:37:10 EDT

Picture - Public Service Announcement

Faux Pas

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 16:38:42 EDT

Young Jeeves had just finished his course on being a gentleman's gentleman when his instructor asked him whether there was anything that he didn't understand or any questions he had to ask........

Picture - Surprise in store...

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 09:05:59 EDT

Picture - Surprise in store...

Hospital

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 03:10:38 EDT

Squiffy was in hospital....................

Venus Return

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 03:01:31 EDT

The first manned expedition to Venus had finally returned. The leader of the expedition, Captain Squiffy the Rocket, was making his report tothe admiral in charge of Star Fleet............

Picture - Similarities

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 02:14:38 EDT

Picture - Similarities

Picture - Ass

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 12:11:36 EDT

Picture - Ass

Picture - Walk

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 12:01:03 EDT

Picture - Walk

Picture - Looks

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 12:00:08 EDT

Picture - Looks

Picture - Mind Sneaky Dog

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 11:59:12 EDT

Picture - Mind Sneaky Dog

Picture - Mind Reading

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 10:33:55 EDT

Picture - Mind Reading

Picture - Woman Danger

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 11:28:07 EDT

Picture - Woman Danger

Jill

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 11:24:31 EDT

"My boyfriend and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one." said Jill.

New Jewish Friends

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 11:23:49 EDT

A Methodist minister meets three Jewish people at his Parish Council meeting. He, of course, invites them to come to his church some Sunday and meet his congregation..........

Bowling

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 11:21:40 EDT

"I got a job at the bowling alley............"

Picture - Breasts

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 15:27:29 EDT

Picture - Breasts

Picture - Tunnel Of Love

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 15:27:06 EDT

Picture - Tunnel Of Love

Picture - Sloth

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 15:26:38 EDT

Picture - Sloth

Picture - Redheads

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 15:26:16 EDT

Picture - Redheads

Picture - Lobster Will

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 15:25:20 EDT

Picture - Lobster Will

Out of the mouths....

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 04:42:50 EDT

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace..........

Tailess Dog

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 04:39:45 EDT

The landlord was sat alone in his pub late one night, all his customers had gone after he'd called time, when suddenly the ethereal spirit of a large tail-less dog appeared before him.........

Picture - Durex

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 10:40:22 EDT

Picture - Durex

Picture - Death

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 10:28:15 EDT

Picture - Death

Picture - Japan

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 10:27:19 EDT

Picture - Japan

Picture - Spot The Dog

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 10:26:58 EDT

Picture - Spot The Dog

Picture - Call me Ahab

Sun, 26 Aug 2007 10:26:36 EDT

Picture - Call me Ahab

Picture- Bike

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 02:37:35 EDT

Picture- Bike

A biker's guide to pillions

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 02:37:14 EDT

addition of funny advert

The Penance

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 10:15:53 EDT

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes.................

Picture - First Politician

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 02:44:49 EDT

Picture - First Politician

Dr, Dr....

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 02:43:37 EDT

Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I've got problems............

Picture - Oppps

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 12:33:01 EDT

Picture - Opps

Picture - Tennis

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 12:32:38 EDT

Picture - Tennis

Local Bakery

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 03:14:30 EDT

Our corner bakery here.......................

Competition

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 03:10:12 EDT

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.......

Hostages

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 03:03:11 EDT

These 2 music lovers a held hostage and both are going to be shot.............

KKK

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 11:43:48 EDT

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family......"

Harry Potter

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 11:35:22 EDT

Just finished the Harry Potter book................

Antiques In The Attic

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 11:22:49 EDT

A senior citizen was clearing out his attic when he came upon an old painting and a violin. Thinking they might be valuable, he took them to the auction house to be valued..........

Picture - Laughing Sheep

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 11:15:36 EDT

Picture - Laughing Sheep

Picture - To Err

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 11:15:08 EDT

Picture - To Err

Picture - Yorkshire Filing

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 11:14:45 EDT

Picture - Yorkshire Filing

Picture - Giraffes

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 11:14:14 EDT

Picture - Giraffes

Erections

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 11:12:47 EDT

A man is walking along the road when a bus passes by and he gets a slight erection.............

Venison

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 07:02:18 EDT

Some bloke down the pub offered me 8 Venison legs for �50...................

Danny

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 02:47:46 EDT

The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny. Two months later, when Mum found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it................

Laundry

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 02:44:18 EDT

The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater....................

On A Beach

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 03:00:23 EDT

A guy is feeling depressed and goes for a walk on the beach. He finds an old bottle on the shore, and when he picks it up a spirit comes out and says, "You look tense. Would you like a good back rub?"

Picture - New Sign

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 11:47:26 EDT

Picture - New Sign

The Rabbi and the Nun

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 03:07:12 EDT

Rabbi Levy had to spend time in a Catholic hospital..................

Florida Poker

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 03:06:19 EDT

ix retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table..............

Breaking News

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 06:30:42 EDT

Reuters Tel Aviv An Israeli woman's fight with a stubborn cockroach put her husband in the hospital with burns................

Picture - Downloading the Internet

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 06:29:12 EDT

Picture - Downloading the Internet

Picture - Blank

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 06:28:50 EDT

Picture - Blank

Picture - Laptop

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 09:47:08 EDT

Picture - Laptop

Picture - Hairy Question

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 09:46:50 EDT

Picture - Hairy Question

Cheese Scones

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 15:10:21 EDT

An elderly Irishman lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs...................

Careless Apprentice

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 15:09:44 EDT

A young apprentice optometrist recently got careless and got his hand caught in the lens grinder...........

Carl And Vera

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 16:30:02 EDT

Carl and Vera was out walking by the side of a lake. They watched a windsurfer having a good time, when suddenly the surfer fell in the water................

Guide For Young Brides

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 16:27:46 EDT

New page added

Viagra, Is it any good?

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 11:16:54 EDT

After 30 years of marriage, sex just wasn't what it used to be. Susan longed for the days of being a newlywed, when just about anything was a good enough reason to have sex...........

Quotation - "Glory is fleeting.........."

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 02:38:11 EDT

Quotation - "Glory is fleeting.........."

Picture - Forward Planning

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 02:43:49 EDT

Picture - Forward Planning

Picture - K - Y

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 01:47:41 EDT

Picture - K - Y

Koala Tea

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 01:46:56 EDT

A dying man was told by his doctor that his only hope of cure was to admit himself to Mercy Hospital in Adelaide, Australia. There he was to receive a tea made from Koala Bear hairs, which was the only known cure for his disease...........

Phone Call

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 01:46:22 EDT

"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?"

Ghosts

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 01:45:50 EDT

The Society of the Paranormal was having a convention in town and there were many attendees. The president of the society was at the podium delivering the opening address to all who were there in body and in spirit, and he asked the question:

Nelson

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 01:45:13 EDT

When Lord Nelson saw a French ship on the horizon, he said, "Cabin boy, get my red jacket."

Mutes

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 01:44:36 EDT

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his(also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, enough that hand-waving stuff. I can talk now." Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment programme that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well. "Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!" "Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in." The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet. The mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!" "VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'"

Scoring

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 01:42:32 EDT

Three guys are rating women (1-10) as they come into a pub. A decent looking woman comes in, and the first guy says "5", second guys says "6", and third guy says "maybe 1/2." A somewhat more attractive lady arrives and the ratings are 7, 7, and 1.

Skunks

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 01:41:53 EDT

Two little skunks called In and Out were playing in the woods. Out went home, and his mother said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Atheist

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 01:41:10 EDT

Q: What's the worst part of being an atheist?

Picture - The I Love You Virus

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 04:22:53 EDT

Picture - The I Love You Virus

Picture - Pirate Keyboard

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 04:22:32 EDT

Picture - Pirate Keyboard

Picture - Homer in chalk

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 04:22:05 EDT

Picture - Homer in chalk

Quote - "There is one thing I would break up over......"

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 10:40:51 EDT

Quote - "There is one thing I would break up over......"

Latex Factory

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 05:39:15 EDT

A fellow is going on tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise............

Dog Bite

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 05:31:23 EDT

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.............

Picture - Missing Link

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 05:10:56 EDT

Picture - Missing Link

Greece

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 05:10:39 EDT

Two Greeks in London are chatting in their hotel room...........

Track And Field

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 05:11:58 EDT

The other day I was at a track and field event and I saw this guy in a white tracksuit with a long fibreglass pole..........

Pirates

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 14:05:28 EDT

Two pirates are walking down the road and the one says, "Thats a lovely pair of earrings, how much did you pay for them?"

Picture - Toronto Tower

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 10:42:53 EDT

Picture - Toronto Tower

Picture - Security

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 10:16:01 EDT

Picture - Security

Picture - Winning an Argument

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 10:15:36 EDT

Picture - Winning an Argument

Picture - Edna

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 10:15:04 EDT

Picture - Edna

Picture - Join the Army

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 10:14:44 EDT

Picture - Join the Army

Picture - How Office Rumours Start

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 10:13:53 EDT

Picture - How Office Rumours Start

Picture - Cry

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 15:23:51 EDT

Picture - Cry

Picture - Language

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 11:37:44 EDT

Picture - Language

Bill, Hillary and George W.

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 11:31:15 EDT

Bill, Hillary and George W Bush die and are brought before God..............

Picture - meeting

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 06:35:31 EDT

Picture - meeting

Picture - The Good Wife

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 06:33:46 EDT

Picture - The Good Wife

Will Power

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 07:11:13 EDT

Morty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking.............

Acid

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 06:49:28 EDT

boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?"

Language

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 06:48:50 EDT

A French tourist approaches two policemen in the heart of Dublin...............

Picture - Grandma

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 10:56:44 EDT

Picture - Grandma

Picture - American Psyco

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 10:47:48 EDT

Picture - American Psyco

Picture - Relationships

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 10:43:44 EDT

Picture - Relationships

Picture - Fencing

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 10:37:12 EDT

Picture - Fencing

Picture - Reproduce

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 07:46:04 EDT

Picture - Reproduce

Picture - Rain Stopped Play

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 05:58:27 EDT

Picture - Rain Stopped Play

Curry

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 05:54:56 EDT

So there I was with a group of friends, at the local curry house when the manager came to our table...........

Picture - Binge Drinking

Wed, 04 Jul 2007 09:14:51 EDT

Picture - Binge Drinking

Picture - Canadian Filth

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 09:53:09 EDT

Picture - Canadian Filth

Picture - iphone release

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 08:00:03 EDT

Picture - iphone release

Picture - Internet Treasure

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 07:15:32 EDT

Picture - Internet Treasure

Picture - Bra Cup Sizes Explained

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 07:15:08 EDT

Picture - Bra Cup Sizes Explained

Picture - daylight

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 06:37:47 EDT

Picture - daylight

Family Bible

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 08:04:01 EDT

A little boy opened the big family bible..................

Pregnancy

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 07:40:05 EDT

When the gynaecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant, Anni got a little scared. "It'll be my first baby," she confessed with a blush, "and actually I don't know the first thing about how babies are delivered..............."

Diving

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 13:49:13 EDT

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever..............

Asda

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 04:08:49 EDT

A grandmother was pushing her granddaughter around Asda in a pushchair...........

Picture - Gordon

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 04:08:12 EDT

Picture - Gordon

Rules for the Project Manager

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 08:56:47 EDT

Strive to look tremendously important............................

You know you work in the 00's if...

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 08:56:12 EDT

You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro...............

Gay Bar

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 08:55:31 EDT

A scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck.....................

Wife..

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 08:26:54 EDT

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic mate seated next to him in the pub.................

Life after death

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 08:25:50 EDT

An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that she should take out life insurance on her husband...........

Grandad

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 08:25:09 EDT

My Grandad always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health................"

Farmer

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 08:24:33 EDT

A farmer goes to town to run his usual errands. He has a piglet, an anvil, a bucket and a chicken. He's thinking to himself, "Now, how am I going to carry a piglet, an anvil, a bucket and a chicken." So he thinks about it for a bit, and decides to carry the bucket, put the piglet in the bucket, place the anvil on top of the bucket and carry the chicken under his other arm.......................

Picture - Adopted

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 08:23:49 EDT

Picture - Adopted

Picture -Situations

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 14:44:12 EDT

Picture -Situations

Picture - Sign of the times

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 14:27:09 EDT

Picture - Sign of the times

Scottish Wedding

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 14:21:31 EDT

Mary had just got married and, being a traditional Scottish bride, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, they were staying at her mother's house, and she was very nervous.........

Picture - Nice Tits!

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 11:41:47 EDT

Picture - Nice Tits!

Picture - Dick Bib

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 11:22:52 EDT

Picture - Dick Bib

Picture - Shut Up

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 11:22:29 EDT

Picture - Shut Up

Donald MacDonald

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 11:18:29 EDT

Donald MacDonald, from Scotland was admitted into the prestigious Oxford University in England. His clan was so excited that one of their own had made it into the upper-class of education, but they were concerned how he would do in "that strange land"................

Oh, Bill...

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 10:59:07 EDT

Bill and Hillary are at the Yankee season opener sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service agents directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the Agent, and shakes his head.................

Quotation - Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant...."

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 05:59:04 EDT

Quotation - Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant...."

Extreme Sports

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 09:12:18 EDT

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.........

Cowboy Wedding

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 09:02:21 EDT

A cowboy and his wife had just been married, and went to a hotel for their honeymoon...........................

Four Women

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 04:46:28 EDT

Four women, one English, one American, one German and one French, were all asked the same question :

Scotsman

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 04:33:37 EDT

A Scotsman came back from work earlier than usual..........

Quotation -

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 04:10:51 EDT

Quotation - "Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.

Marriage

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 04:08:42 EDT

Two antennas meet on a roof..........

An American Lift

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 11:31:55 EDT

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator..........

Picture - Always gve 100% at work

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 10:49:14 EDT

Picture - Always gve 100% at work

Q: What's black and annoyed?

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 10:48:30 EDT

Q: What's black and annoyed?

Very True

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 10:47:55 EDT

An old Native Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two Government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one Official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement................

Picture - Dear Miriam

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 10:46:57 EDT

Picture - Dear Miriam

Picture - Stress Reduction Kit

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 10:46:37 EDT

Picture - Stress Reduction Kit

Sgt. McTavish

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 04:01:46 EDT

Sergeant McTavish of the Highland Regiment swaggered into a pharmacy.............

At A London Club

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 04:01:07 EDT

At one of the better clubs in London, a young man comes up to an older one and says, "Excuse me, sir, but I'm told you were with the India Regiments during the great days of the British Empire. I've always been fascinated by that period. Would you mind chatting with me about it for a bit?"

Picture - London 2012 Logo

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 14:48:27 EDT

Picture - London 2012 Logo

Bulls

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 09:27:46 EDT

There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake. struck..................

Unemployment

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 09:14:26 EDT

"So you think you could end all unemployment, do you?" asked the interviewer.....................

Catholics

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 11:21:36 EDT

Picture - Catholics

Picture - I love you

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 11:20:47 EDT

Picture - I love you

Picture - Sorry

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 11:20:25 EDT

Picture - Sorry

Picture - Catholics

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 11:19:56 EDT

Picture - Catholics

Welsh People

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 10:00:43 EDT

Why do they bury Welsh people 20 feet down?

Picture - Bush gets to the bottom of things

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 06:30:01 EDT

Picture - Bush gets to the bottom of things

Picture - Silence is Golden

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 06:29:31 EDT

Picture - Silence is Golden

Paddy and Mick

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 03:41:10 EDT

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said 'Suits �5.00 each, Shirts �2.00 each, Trousers �2.50 per pair'...................

Picture - Women

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 04:44:56 EDT

Picture - Women

Picture - Disney in the 21st Century

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 04:44:36 EDT

Picture - Disney in the 21st Century

Wise Rabbi

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 04:26:17 EDT

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk...........

Opps!

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 04:21:09 EDT

Steve goes to the doctor and asks to be castrated. The doctor says, "I don't think that this operation is a good idea for you..." Steve cut's him off "Listen, I've made up my mind and I don't want to discuss it!................."

Picture - Another drawback to Global Warming

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 09:29:10 EDT

Picture - Another drawback to Global Warming

Picture - Shirt Ripping

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 10:58:19 EDT

Picture - Shirt Ripping

To all secretaries out there [and managers]

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 10:41:42 EDT

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their Diversity, "You are all part of our team now," said theHuman Resources Rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but DO NOT eat any employees.........."

Good News, Bad News

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 07:37:01 EDT

Here is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation.........

Picture - The Armageddon Flowchart

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 07:10:05 EDT

Picture - The Armageddon Flowchart

Picture - What a catch!

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 06:55:28 EDT

Picture - What a catch!

Quotation - ""Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 06:49:59 EDT

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt." -- Mark Twain

Ladies Changing Rooms

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 06:49:12 EDT

A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it..............

Handstands

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 06:14:28 EDT

After boasting to her mother about how great she was at doing handstands, Susan was advised not to practise it in her new school friends since her underwear is usually exposed..........

A Compass Point

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 05:53:45 EDT

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses..........

Picture - Hilary Special KFC

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 03:44:25 EDT

Picture - Hilary Special KFC

I Cannot Forget You!

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 03:40:03 EDT

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me..............

Picture - Buzzing Undies

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 10:42:48 EDT

Picture - Buzzing Undies

Morning Sex

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 10:42:14 EDT

She was in the kitchen preparing eggs for breakfast. He walked in; She turned and said,You've got to make love to me this very moment..............."

Men DO remember Anniversaries

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 06:17:39 EDT

woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him...........

Charmed

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 05:05:55 EDT

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.........

Picture - Control Your Life

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 11:26:29 EDT

Picture - Control Your Life

Picture - Happy Father's Day

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 11:26:03 EDT

Picture - Happy Father's Day

Blind Date

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 09:53:35 EDT

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night she seemed upset.................

Are You A True Scot?

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 09:14:54 EDT

U know you are a true Scot if........... 1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan Milngavie, Sauchiehall, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufur***sake. 2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie................

Picture - Complete Fruits!

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 06:13:22 EDT

Picture - Complete Fruits!

Picture - Little Miss Paris

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 04:45:35 EDT

Picture - Little Miss Paris

Picture - Modern Life

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 04:14:24 EDT

Picture - Modern Life

Overheard in A &E

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 04:44:18 EDT

"So, this bloke says he wants to do me in the worst way. Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock...."

Quotation - "Reality is a hallucination............

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 04:26:27 EDT

Quotation - "Reality is a hallucination............

Quotation - "You don't marry someone you can live with........

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 14:19:52 EDT

Quotation - "You don't marry someone you can live with.....

Women's Butt Study

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 14:09:13 EDT

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their butts.............

House Clearing

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 13:46:37 EDT

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow.............

Picture - Female Gamers

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 13:39:36 EDT

Picture - Female Gamers

Picture - Cromagnon

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 13:39:14 EDT

Picture - Cromagnon

Irish Maths

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 13:21:36 EDT

An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks? "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.....................

Juvenile Philosophy

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 03:17:05 EDT

Juvenile Philosophy Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age12 When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13 Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13 Never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10 Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, Age 10 Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12 Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11 Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7 Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9 Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13

Picture - Hate

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 03:04:44 EDT

Picture - Hate

Blondes

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 03:00:42 EDT

Q: Why do blonde's have bruises around their belly button? A: Because there are blonde guys, too.

Picture - Blame

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 02:57:37 EDT

Picture - Blame

Ultimatum

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 15:44:25 EDT

A man called into a local radio station and told the "morning guys" that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex. They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?" Reply: "Until my girlfriend dies."

Picture - Computer Errors

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 11:58:14 EDT

Picture - Computer Errors

Picture - Computer Games For Older Ladies

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 11:57:28 EDT

Picture - Computer Games For Older Ladies

Lingerie

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 10:08:43 EDT

Walking into a lingerie shop, a customer says to the assistant, "I'd like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife." The assistant asks, "Sheer?" The man replies "No. She's in Tescos."

Quotation - "Death is life's way .....

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 10:04:26 EDT

Quotation - "Death is life's way .....

A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman..........

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 09:49:15 EDT

A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Pakistani, a man with one leg, an a dwarf with a parrot on his head walk into a bar and the barman says........ This is a joke innit?

Play The Harmonica

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 09:15:28 EDT

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? " So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get into bed with you!" She kissed him and said, "First, let's see you play that harmonica."

Opps

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 09:14:59 EDT

One Saturday morning a man gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, grabs some beer, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and head down the road. Coming out of garage rain is pouring down; its like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There, he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing?"

For Sale

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 09:14:30 EDT

For Sale by Owner: Complete Set of Encyclopedia Brittanica Excellent condition, but no longer needed; New wife knows everything.

Picture - Lone Ranger

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 08:53:56 EDT

Picture - Lone Ranger

Picture - Hepburn or Paris?

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 08:53:27 EDT

Picture - Hepburn or Paris?

Quotation - "When a man steals your wife.............

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 08:52:31 EDT

Quotation - "When a man steals your wife.............

Paddy

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 08:51:35 EDT

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins..... a boy and a girl. The babies are fine now. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them. The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother...he's a clueless fecking eejet.� Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's name?' 'Denise,' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved. 'Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise. ' Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?' 'Denephew'

Two Crocodiles Are Sitting..............

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 08:50:59 EDT

..... at the side of the swamp near the lake in Canberra. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it." "Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Croc. "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?" "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House." "Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?" "Well, I crawl up under one of their Caprice cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em up!" "Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem, you're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase."

Taxi

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 08:50:13 EDT

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!"

Performance

Thu, 31 May 2007 11:27:36 EDT

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say,"Doctor, I have a performance problem. Can you help me?" "Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history." So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!" "Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."

Car Crash

Thu, 31 May 2007 11:08:44 EDT

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention. The driver got out.. he was a dwarf. He said, "I'm not happy"... I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

Less

Thu, 31 May 2007 05:23:37 EDT

A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please." "Less? Never heard of it." "C'mon, sure you have." "No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?" "I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."

Friar

Thu, 31 May 2007 04:04:37 EDT

There was a friar who decided to open a florist shop to help raise money for his church. The shop was an instant success. But the friar grew to like being a florist and spent less and less time at his church and more and more time at the florist shop. The church protested and asked the friar to spend less of his time at the shop. But the friar wouldn't listen and now spent all of his time at the florist shop. He'd grown very fond of being a florist. The church decided to act. So Hugh the Ogre was sent to the friar. Hugh the Ogre placed a very powerful spell on the friar and the friar, accordingly, returned to the church. The moral of the story is "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars".........

Anniversary

Thu, 31 May 2007 04:04:02 EDT

My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary, so I took her down the street to the Esso Garage...................

Picture - Anagram

Thu, 31 May 2007 03:56:43 EDT

Picture - Anagram

Picture - Watershed

Wed, 30 May 2007 07:39:36 EDT

Picture - Watershed

Mountain Climber

Wed, 30 May 2007 06:51:28 EDT

A mountain climber had a very harrowing experience while caught in an unexpected blizzard -- barely escaping with his life, he was finally rescued and brought down the mountain. Examination showed that both legs were severely frostbitten and some amputation would have to be performed. After surgery, he was sorely disappointed to receive a note from his fiancee instead of her physical presence. Seems she couldn't marry him due to his condition. She was "lack-toes" intolerant.

The Pope

Wed, 30 May 2007 06:41:40 EDT

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase: "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They pointed out that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying: "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noted that he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless Gay people. The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with: "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

HillBilly Medical Attention

Wed, 30 May 2007 06:35:53 EDT

Charlie and another hillbilly walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. Charlie looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head. "No". Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. Charlie walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her scimpy pants and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, Charlie walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

Picture- Evolve

Tue, 29 May 2007 09:59:56 EDT

Picture- Evolve

Picture- Global Cooling

Tue, 29 May 2007 09:29:03 EDT

Picture- Global Cooling

Picture - Black riders

Tue, 29 May 2007 09:28:34 EDT

Picture - Black riders

Picture - Dressing

Tue, 29 May 2007 09:28:08 EDT

Picture - Dressing

Picture - Paperbags

Tue, 29 May 2007 09:26:58 EDT

Picture - Paperbags

Picture - Dear God

Tue, 29 May 2007 09:27:28 EDT

Picture - Dear God

Picture - Children

Tue, 29 May 2007 08:32:51 EDT

Picture - Children

Picture - Reality

Tue, 29 May 2007 08:32:30 EDT

Picture - Reality

Picture - Opps

Tue, 29 May 2007 08:18:53 EDT

Picture - Opps

Picture - Notice

Tue, 29 May 2007 08:13:08 EDT

Picture - Notice

Picture - Exam Time

Tue, 29 May 2007 08:12:50 EDT

Picture - Exam Time

Breaking News................

Tue, 29 May 2007 07:03:08 EDT

A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bath. The bath had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks. Police suspect a cereal killer.

Mere Coincidence or ?

Tue, 29 May 2007 06:13:27 EDT

Many will recall that, on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed an unidentified object, with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico. This is a well-known incident many say has long been covered up by the United States Air Force and the federal government. However, what you may NOT know, is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months later, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born. See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? This information may clear up a lot of questions.

March 6, 1836.

Tue, 29 May 2007 06:05:46 EDT

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west wall. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were up there already. The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them. Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are we landscaping the garden and having the pool cleaned today?"

American Tourist

Tue, 29 May 2007 06:05:03 EDT

An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. He'd seen the Sydney Harbor and everything else but he wanted to see the real Australia. So there he was on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah. There wasn't much to see. There was a drought on it was hot and the wind was blowing dust everywhere. He got off the train and made for the pub, sweating and cursing as he swatted in vain at the clouds of files that buzzed around him. The pub's only customer, a bloke in a blue singlet, greeted him with a "G'day!" The American ordered a beer. "Yank eh?" quizzed the Aussie. "Sure am buddy," the Yank replied. "Waddya think of this part of Australia, yank?" the bloke asked. "It's the goddamn asshole of the world," the Yank replied. There was a five second pause as the local sucked on his smoke. Then he asked: "You just passing through?"

Cheerful Nun

Sun, 27 May 2007 11:43:41 EDT

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life. He talks about his wife and his 13 children. "My, my," says the nun. "13 children, a good and proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you." "Actually, Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish." "Jewish!" she exclaims. "You sex maniac, you!!"

Greatest Runners

Sun, 27 May 2007 11:43:07 EDT

Many of the world's greatest runners come from Kenya where they have a unique training program -- it's called a lion.......

Divorce

Sun, 27 May 2007 11:28:26 EDT

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore...

Donation

Fri, 25 May 2007 14:55:28 EDT

I hear that Pickabo Street, the Olympic star, is donating her money for a very special hospital wing. It will be called the Pickabo ICU.

Bill

Fri, 25 May 2007 14:50:14 EDT

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. "Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill." "Who?" "Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time." "Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody." "Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "Bill was really something, huh?" "Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out." "No wonder you remember him," the man said. "Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby. "Then how in the world do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow," replied the cabby.

Picture - Stupidity

Fri, 25 May 2007 14:17:32 EDT

Picture - Stupidity

Picture - Soccer

Fri, 25 May 2007 14:11:41 EDT

Picture - Soccer

Picture - Adoption

Fri, 25 May 2007 13:00:12 EDT

Picture - Adoption

Picture - Bad News

Fri, 25 May 2007 12:57:28 EDT

Picture - Bad News

Picture- No Diving

Fri, 25 May 2007 12:56:52 EDT

Picture- No Diving

Married In Heaven

Fri, 25 May 2007 11:00:56 EDT

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

Constipation problem

Fri, 25 May 2007 10:17:31 EDT

A building worker goes to the doctor and says, 'Doc, I'm constipated.' The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, 'Lean over the table.' The building worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the backside with a cricket bat, and then sends him into the toilet. He comes out a few minutes later and says, 'Doc, I feel great. What should I do?' The doctor says, 'Stop wiping with cement bags.'

Drug Reactions

Thu, 24 May 2007 05:00:40 EDT

Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time? He didn't know if he was coming or going.

Picture - Never miss a business opportunity

Wed, 23 May 2007 04:16:15 EDT

Picture - Never miss a business opportunity

Anxiety and Panic

Wed, 23 May 2007 04:08:29 EDT

Q. What's the difference between "anxiety" and "panic?" A. "Anxiety" is when, for the first time, you can't do it the second time. "Panic" is when, for the second time, you can't do it the first time.

Frankenstein

Wed, 23 May 2007 03:55:21 EDT

Dr. Frankenstein had been noticing for several years that his creation seemed to be lacking that certain spark in his life. He and Frau Frankenstein were discussing the problem one day, and she suddenly had a bright idea. "Maybe he needs a mate." she exclaimed. "Good idea, my dear," said the doctor. "Let's create him a mate, and he can make love to her for the first time this coming Valentine's Day." So, they worked day and night and finally got a mate ready just in time to "wake her up" on Valentine's Day. The original creation was there beside Dr. and Frau Frankenstein, shifting from one foot to the other in anticipation of the solution to his cravings. As the electricity snapped and popped, Dr. Frankenstein shouted, "Look! She's about to speak!" WIth that, the new creation sat up and croaked in a broken voice, "Oooooo ---oo! Head----ache!"

Ear Muffs

Tue, 22 May 2007 04:49:13 EDT

Winters are fierce in the north of Scotland where the Laird lived, so as owner of the estate he felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his outdoors foreman. However, after a week or so he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs, not even on the bitterest day. So the Laird asked, "Alan, did ye not like the ear-muffs I gave ye?" "Well Sir, they're a thing of both utility and beauty." Alan replied. "Why do ye not wear 'em then, Mon?" Alan explained, "I was wearing 'em the first day, Sir, when a laddie offered to buy me a whiskey, but I didna hear him! Never again, Sir, never, ever again!"

Picture - Balls

Mon, 21 May 2007 14:53:13 EDT

Picture - Balls

Picture - 101 positions

Mon, 21 May 2007 14:52:47 EDT

Picture - 101 positions

Picture - Monocle

Mon, 21 May 2007 14:52:20 EDT

Picture - Monocle

Picture - Farts

Mon, 21 May 2007 14:51:49 EDT

Picture - Farts

Picture - Management Lesson

Mon, 21 May 2007 14:51:25 EDT

Picture - Management Lesson

Picture- Prostate Exam

Mon, 21 May 2007 14:50:58 EDT

Picture- Prostate Exam

Picture - Cat

Mon, 21 May 2007 14:50:24 EDT

Picture - Cat

Picture - I sold the dog

Mon, 21 May 2007 14:49:57 EDT

Picture - I sold the dog

Picture - Game Over

Mon, 21 May 2007 14:49:27 EDT

Picture - Game Over

Picture - Sticks and Stones

Mon, 21 May 2007 14:48:55 EDT

Picture - Sticks and Stones

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes....

Sun, 20 May 2007 10:08:14 EDT

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' ". The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?". One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Shit! A talking chicken!".

Business Ethics

Sun, 20 May 2007 06:32:21 EDT

Business Ethics Moshe Kohn opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in the window "ARABS NOT WELCOME"; a couple of days later, a person of obviously Arab origin walks in and requests a sandwich - so the cashier quickly runs into Moshe's office asking what to do. Moshe decides that he really doesn't want a scandal, so he orders "OK, give him the sandwich, but charge him double - that should teach him." No sooner said than done. But the next day the same Arab is back again - this time for a full lunch; Moshe decides "Charge him triple, he'll get the lesson this time!" The Arab eats his lunch, pays without a quibble, praises the food and even asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the same evening. Moshe decides "OK, let him have the reservation, but if his friends do come, charge them tenfold!" The Arabs appear in the evening, have a large dinner, pay without complaining and even tip generously. So the next day Moshe puts a new sign in the window: "JEWS NOT WELCOME."

Max

Fri, 18 May 2007 10:08:06 EDT

My friend Max hates going up steep hills. He's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

Late

Fri, 18 May 2007 05:12:43 EDT

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. She changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her door bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late - and you're still not ready?"

Picture - Sun Love

Fri, 18 May 2007 05:04:33 EDT

Picture - Sun Love

Quotation - "About 300 people ate 80 to 100 pounds of fried lamb, sheep and bull testicles.....

Fri, 18 May 2007 04:37:48 EDT

"About 300 people ate 80 to 100 pounds of fried lamb, sheep and bull testicles...................

That's Right!

Fri, 18 May 2007 04:26:57 EDT

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'." "That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

Old Clock

Fri, 18 May 2007 04:26:21 EDT

Mike's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Mike, "Vat sims to be ze problem?" Mike says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock- tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'" The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock. He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

Bishop

Thu, 17 May 2007 04:57:03 EDT

The Bishop came to our church today. Turned out he was a imposter. Never once moved diagonally!

Buddhist

Thu, 17 May 2007 04:32:53 EDT

Did you hear about the Buddhist who was sick after going to an Indian restaurant? Bad korma........

i-breast

Wed, 16 May 2007 06:12:25 EDT

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost $499 to $599. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Crossing

Wed, 16 May 2007 06:06:41 EDT

Since it seems that gene-splicing has become a reality, all those old jokes about crossing a parrot with a centipede are within the realm of possibility. Here are a few examples of what could happen. Cross an Indian monkey with a vine of the legume family and a plant with yellow cup-shaped flowers and you'll get a Rhesus Peanut Buttercup. Cross a Sasquatch and a baboon and you'll get a Sassoon. An animal that lurks in the suburbs at night, catches unwary women and styles their hair. Cross an armadillo with a hammerhead shark and you can keep your refrigerator smelling fresh with an Arm & Hammerhead shark. Cross a male grouse with a female dog and get a bird dog that's always complaining, a Grouse-and-Bitch. Cross a parrot with an alligator and when the Parrigator asks you for a cracker, you'd be well advised to give it one. Cross a sheep dog and a baby of the carp family will get you a Shag-carpette. Splice the genes of 63,360 inchworms and get a Mile-worm. An Impossabull is what you get when you make a three-way cross between an impala, a possum and a bull. It's a 2000 lb. antelope that hangs from trees and drops down on unsuspecting matadors. Here's an interesting five-way cross. An Alaskan King Crab, a kingfisher, a jackrabbit, a jackass and a jackal. This gives you a Full House. Cross a rabbit with an amoeba and you'll get an Amoebit. It can multiply and divide at the same time. Cross a grasshopper and a hippopotamus, and you get a Grasshoppapotamus, a short-lived creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once. Cross a coyote with an ass, and the results are a Doncoyote. This is an ass that brays at windmills and tilts at the moon. Cross a lion with an ocelot and you get a political animal, the Lialot, close relative to the Cheetalot. Cross a racehorse with a hog and you get a Thoroughpig. Cross a sheep with a porcupine and you get a Sheepupine. It not only supplies you with wool but will also knit you a sweater. Cross a male sheep, a baby sheep, an Australian wild dog and a donkey and get ... Aram-alam-ading-donk. A combination of a lamprey eel and a baboon created at a famous American college gives you the Harvard Lampoon. A coward and a hyena gives you the laughing stock of the party, the Cowena. Cross a snake with a canary and you get a bird that sings with a lisp, the Snary. Cross a lamb with a camel to produce sweaters with bumps (especially for the ladies), the Lamel. Cross aloe vera with baby's breath and get the ingredients for the French comeon, Aloebaby.

Picture - Patch

Tue, 15 May 2007 07:22:24 EDT

Picture - Patch

Picture - I have seen the future

Tue, 15 May 2007 04:02:31 EDT

Picture - I have seen the future

Picture - Office Supplies

Mon, 14 May 2007 10:37:32 EDT

Picture - Office Supplies

Picture - Mr Anderson

Sat, 12 May 2007 09:16:56 EDT

Picture - Mr Anderson

Pie

Sat, 12 May 2007 09:15:05 EDT

I baked a meat pie the other day and then travelled with it to Milton Keynes, Birmingham and Lambeth, because my old maths teacher always used to tell me to take pie to three dismal places...............

Night Out

Sat, 12 May 2007 09:14:38 EDT

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute. A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis. The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!" "Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?" "Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

Rabbi

Sat, 12 May 2007 09:07:31 EDT

The Rabbi explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. Sam Goldstein, a successful entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause. Finally, Sadie Goldfarb, age 88, stands and announces, "If the Rabbi stays, I vill give him sex!" Total silence. The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband, Jacob, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies, "Vell, I just mentioned to mein husband how nice it is that others were helping the Rabbi, and asked vat ve could do to help. He said, "Screw the Rabbi..."

Fonts

Wed, 09 May 2007 11:08:48 EDT

Two fonts walk into the bar, and the barman says, "sorry lads, we don't serve your type".

School Reunion

Wed, 09 May 2007 10:38:39 EDT

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since" "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Picture - The Evolution Of America

Wed, 09 May 2007 10:36:10 EDT

Picture - The Evolution Of America

Samaritans

Wed, 09 May 2007 06:13:45 EDT

I've been working at the Samaritans for a couple of months now. I tried to phone in sick yesterday, but they managed to talk me out of it....................

Video - For the Wimmin!

Tue, 08 May 2007 10:24:14 EDT

Video - For the Wimmin!

Discovery Channel

Tue, 08 May 2007 10:03:35 EDT

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our "little" tribal experiment coming along?" "Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" "No, it's turned black."

Phone Ins

Tue, 08 May 2007 09:33:59 EDT

Following the GMTV phone in scandal, Man Utd are suing UEFA for allowing them to enter a competition they had no chance of winning...........

Picture - Walmart

Mon, 07 May 2007 10:43:30 EDT

Picture - Walmart

What Sort Of Elephant?

Sun, 06 May 2007 11:20:00 EDT

This Glasgow man was always robbing jewelry shops, and his method was, he had an elephant, and took it inside, and all the people ran out terrified, and the elephant would suck up all the jewelry. After the latest robbery, the police asked the owner of the shop, "What kind of elephant was it??" And the owner of the shop said "I don't know." The Police said "well theres two kinds of elephants, an African, and an Indian elephant, one with big ears and one with small ones." The bloke says "How would I know, it had a nylon stocking over its head."

Lions

Sun, 06 May 2007 11:14:08 EDT

Two lions walking along Sauchiehall Street, one turns to the other and says, "Not many people about for a Saturday, are there?"

Sophistication

Sun, 06 May 2007 09:41:09 EDT

Three Frenchmen are discussing the concept of sophistication. The first says "You are in bed with a beautiful woman. Her husband comes in. You say to him 'pardonnez-moi monsieur, I was just making love to your wife'. Now that is sophistication". "No", says the second, "that is sophisticated, but it is not sophistication. You are in bed with a beautiful woman. Her husband comes in. You say to him 'pardonnez-moi monsieur, I was just making love to your wife', and he says 'Excuse me; please carry on'. Now that is sophisitcation". "That is sophisticated I grant you", says the third, "but it is not sophistication. You are in bed with a beautiful woman. Her husband comes in. You say to him 'pardonnez-moi monsieur, I was just making love to your wife', and he says 'Excuse me; please carry on'. Now if you can carry on, that is sophisitcation".

Picture - Walking for MS

Fri, 04 May 2007 07:38:13 EDT

Picture - Walking for MS

Picture - Single Bar

Fri, 04 May 2007 07:12:05 EDT

Picture - Single Bar

Video - When Stickmen go bad

Fri, 04 May 2007 07:11:11 EDT

Video - When Stickmen go bad

Video - Doh!

Fri, 04 May 2007 07:00:23 EDT

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

Secret

Fri, 04 May 2007 06:47:10 EDT

The secret to enjoying a good red wine is: 1. Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2. If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.

Picture - Don't move!

Fri, 04 May 2007 05:01:49 EDT

Picture - Don't move!

Picture - whipped

Fri, 04 May 2007 05:01:14 EDT

Picture - whipped

World Population

Fri, 04 May 2007 05:00:55 EDT

The world's population is poised to reach 9.2 billion in 2050, with growth mainly in the developing nations. The growth population in the U.S. and U.K. was expected to decline but will remain steady thanks to Angelina Jolie and Madonna....................

Cleopatria

Thu, 03 May 2007 19:17:35 EDT

Mark Antony: I want to see Cleopatria. Servant; She's in bed with laryngitis. Mark Antony: Damn those Greeks!

2 Surgeons And A Dermatologist

Thu, 03 May 2007 18:57:43 EDT

Two surgeons and a dermatologist were having lunch in the hospital cafeteria when the first two doctors began to laugh hysterically. "What's so funny?" the confused dermatologist asked. "I'm sorry, you wouldn't understand," said one of the surgeons. "It's an inside joke."

Picture - Mummy?

Wed, 02 May 2007 05:44:44 EDT

Picture - Mummy?

Marriage Seminar

Wed, 02 May 2007 05:37:12 EDT

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-raising, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

Two Diaries

Tue, 01 May 2007 07:23:53 EDT

HER DIARY ========= All day and all night he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe for coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long and I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late. But he didn't say anything. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet to talk. He agreed but he kept quiet. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him. He simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me any more. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About ten minutes later he came to bed. I thought, perhaps, a little intimacy might open him up, so I made the first move. That worked, and we made love. When we were finished, I was sure he would open up and talk to me. But, no, nothing! I couldn't take it any more, so I confronted him with the situation. But he had fallen asleep! I started crying and cried until I, too, finally fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY ========= Chelsea Beat United again today. DAMN IT!!!!! Got laid, though.

Heather Mills

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 09:52:05 EDT

Heather Mills was voted off "Dancing with the Stars". reports say she was hopping mad........

England Sex Theme Park

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 06:25:56 EDT

In England they've opened the world's first sex theme park. You know what is really embarrassing? When a guy flunks the "You must be this big to get on this ride" test.

Why?

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 06:18:47 EDT

Why don't Americans have a sense of humour? Because they think irony is the same as silvery or coppery.

Did you hear.............

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 06:14:44 EDT

...about the Scouse family that won the lottery? The wife asked her husband what to do about all the begging letters, to which he replied,'No problem, just keep on sending them out'.

Picture - Meaning

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 06:07:33 EDT

Picture - Meaning

Missing Spy

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 05:40:24 EDT

The CIA loses track of one of its operatives, and so calls in one of their top spy hunters. The CIA boss says, "All I can tell you is that his name is Evans and that he's somewhere in Wales. If you think you've located him, tell him the code words, 'The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning.' If it's really him, he'll answer, 'Yes, and for mist at noon as well.'" So the spy hunter goes to Wales and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the barman, "Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for a guy named Evans." The bartender replies, "You're going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Evans. There's Evans the Baker, who runs the bakers shop on the next block. There's Evans the Banker, who's manager of our local bank. There's Evans the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Evans, too." Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code words on the barman, so he says, "The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning." The bartender replies, "Oh, you're looking for Evans the Spy. He lives right down the street on the left."

Picture - Missing Cat

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 04:55:34 EDT

Picture - Missing Cat

Picture - Think!

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 10:34:17 EDT

Picture - Think!

Picture - Free Cat

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 09:44:09 EDT

Picture - Free Cat

The scene is Possilpark Primary School

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 09:43:37 EDT

Teacher: " Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday. " Wee Billy thinks, "Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge so I am. This is gonny be a doddle! Teacher: " Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country? ' Wee Billy shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar-Fauntlerioy at the front. 'Yes, Farqhuar? ' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): " Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960." Teacher: " Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday." The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Billy is even more determined. Teacher: " Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?" Wee Billys' hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting " I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss " Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin-Smythe, sitting at the front: " Yes Tarquin." Tarquin (In a very, very posh, English accent): " Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech." Teacher: " Very good Tarquin , you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday." The following Thursday comes around and Wee Billy is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, dribbling in anticipation. Teacher: " Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind? " Wee Billys' arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming " Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee " Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front. " Yes Rupert." Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): " Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1967, The first moon landing." Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday." Wee Billy loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming " WHERE THE HELL DID ALL THESE ENGLISH BASTARDS COME FROM?" Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: " Who said that? " Wee Billy grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See ye on Tuesday Miss."

The Snake And The Rabbit

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 09:42:53 EDT

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management"

Football Heaven

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 10:49:48 EDT

Two 90 year old men, Harry and Tom, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Harry is dying, Tom visits him every day. One day Harry says, "Tom, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there." Harry looks up at Tom from his death bed," Tom, you've been my friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Harry passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Tom is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Tom - Tom!." "Who is it? asks Tom sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Tom --it's me, Harry." "You can't be Harry. Harry just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Tom," insists the voice." "Harry? Where are you?" "In heaven", replies Harry. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Tom. "The good news," Harry says," is that there really is football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired." "That's fantastic," says Tom. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news? "You're playing on Tuesday."

Picture - Picnic

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 10:48:19 EDT

Picture - Picnic

Picture - Tick tock

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 06:56:44 EDT

Picture - Tick tock

Picture - Give a damn

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 06:56:25 EDT

Picture - Give a damn

Cold Night

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 06:08:52 EDT

One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait." "But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now." "Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs." "Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room." So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the path. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks. "Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!" "I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down."

Quotation - " A compromise is an agreement.....

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 05:57:41 EDT

Quotation - " A compromise is an agreement.....

Quotation - " Truth, like surgery.....

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 09:33:32 EDT

Quotation - " Truth, like surgery.....

All Heart

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 09:32:52 EDT

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinberg's doctor comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like." Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: "Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before, wild, passionate sex....you'll love it!" Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK... maybe I would have such sex with you...." Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office; his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's see, here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz....... Now, I'll just address this....... By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first name?" "Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern"?

At The Doctors

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 09:32:15 EDT

"I don't understand it, doctor. My weight is just out of control," said Mrs Smith. "I've gained over 70 pounds in the last two months. Why, just yesterday, my husband called me a Fat Cow!" "Well," said the doctor, "I'm sure that we can find a cause for this. Let's begin with an examination. Stick out your tongue and say 'Mooo.' "

Waking Up Early

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 09:31:39 EDT

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children. "How do you get your Stuart up so early on school mornings?" asks one of them. "Oh, that's easy," replies the other. "I just throw the cat on his bed." "Why does that wake him up?" "He sleeps with the dog."

What?

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 11:50:48 EDT

What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit? Mr. President.

Quotation - " Don't let your worries get the best of you.....

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 11:47:22 EDT

Quotation - " Don't let your worries get the best of you.....

Picture - Upset

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 11:46:28 EDT

Picture - Upset

Picture - Bad day..........

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 10:48:02 EDT

Picture - Bad day..........

Smoking Keeps The Wife Alive

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 10:19:01 EDT

The young doctor was carrying out research into Coal Miners Pneumoconiosis ("Coal Dust Disease"), which gradually destroys the lungs. He was visiting the Miners' Social Clubs, interviewing ex-miners with the disease. In any research involving the lungs it is essential to know whether the person is exposed to tobacco smoke - his own or other peoples. "So, John, are you still smoking?" "I am," replied John. "Don't you know how bad smoking is for the lungs, especially for someone like you with "the dust"?" "Certainly, doctor, but it's only the smoking that keeps my wife alive!" "How do you mean?" asked the doctor, clearly very puzzled. "Well, if I gave up smoking, I'd murder the witch!"

Picture - Nuns and ..........

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 08:55:26 EDT

Picture - Nuns and..........

Picture - Nuns..........

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 08:54:42 EDT

Picture - Nuns..........

Morris And Esther

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 05:38:46 EDT

Morris and his wife Esther went to the local air show every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter".................

Organ Transplants

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 05:27:07 EDT

Squiffy went to see his Doctor and said..................

Quotation - "People like you .....

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 15:14:09 EDT

Quotation - "People like you .....

Census

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 15:09:43 EDT

A census taker knocked on a lady's door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age...........

Disability Cockney Rhyming Slang

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 15:02:31 EDT

1 Mutton Jeff = Deaf............

Quotation - "Isn't it amazing.....

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 10:23:47 EDT

Quotation - "Isn't it amazing.....

Picture - Windows Vista

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 09:10:35 EDT

Picture - Windows Vista

Check-up

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 04:32:03 EDT

A self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me" "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?" "Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop." "How about smoking?" asked the doctor. "Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it." "Well," asked the doctor, "do you have much of a sex life?" "Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been." The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?" "Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head." "Okay," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight."

Scottish Fruit Cake

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 06:08:20 EDT

You'll need the following: 1 cup of water.............

Picture - Brokeback Mountain2

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 10:59:04 EDT

Picture - Brokeback Mountain2

Picture - Lisa

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 10:15:15 EDT

Picture - Lisa

Funeral

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 08:19:54 EDT

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow....................

New Study

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 07:26:46 EDT

According to a new study...............

The Portrait

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 07:26:06 EDT

At the National Art Gallery in Cardiff , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.......

Avoidance

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 05:47:21 EDT

"I see you're over a month late for your appointment............

Life Begins

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 05:22:08 EDT

Three ministers were together one day and the subject of: When does life begin came up.......................

Picture - Cat For Sale

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 05:16:21 EDT

Picture - Cat For Sale

Picture - Pop out of bed

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 04:14:00 EDT

Picture - Pop out of bed

Picture - Good Luck!

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 04:09:13 EDT

Picture - Good Luck!

Glasgow

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 04:03:30 EDT

How do you know when you're staying in Glasgow?

Quotation - "How I see it is that men get one night of pleasure.....

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 03:51:27 EDT

Quotation - "How I see it is that men get one night of pleasure.....

Vaccum Salesman

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 10:30:25 EDT

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner............

Roosters

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 10:17:23 EDT

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens.........................

Picture - Virgin Media help Desk

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 10:12:17 EDT

Picture - Virgin Media help Desk

Picture - Decaf

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 10:04:31 EDT

Picture - Decaf

Work Place Humour - Department Rounders

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 09:01:02 EDT

An interoffice rounders game was held every summer between the marketing department and the IT support staff of a company.......

Picture - Women have you considered the danger?

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 08:59:58 EDT

Picture - Women have you considered the danger?

The Sinking Ship

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 08:59:11 EDT

A European cruise ship captain has to convince the passengers .........

Mink

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 08:57:43 EDT

Sean was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked......

Logging In

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 08:57:09 EDT

The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day.........

Department Rounders

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 08:56:20 EDT

An interoffice rounders game was held every summer between the marketing department and the IT support staff of a company.......

In The Jungle

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 08:55:37 EDT

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey...........

Dear Diary

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 08:54:50 EDT

I think that Mrs. Squiffs now believes in the theory of Creation. Praise!

Passionate Love

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 18:03:01 EDT

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van.......

Picture - Canada

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 17:48:08 EDT

Picture - Canada

picture - enforced teenage celibacy

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 11:24:05 EDT

picture - enforced teenage celibacy

Picture - Effective Birth Control

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 11:17:38 EDT

Picture - Effective Birth Control

Picture - emotional issues

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 11:17:07 EDT

Picture - emotional issues

IMPURE MATHEMATICS

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 04:14:02 EDT

Wherein it is related how that paragon of womanly virtue.............

Quotation - "Spring is when you feel .....

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 04:13:08 EDT

Quotation - "Spring is when you feel .....

Picture - Little Miss Queen Victoria

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 07:10:02 EDT

Little Miss Queen Victoria

Picture - When Zebras fall in love..........

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 07:00:15 EDT

When Zebras fall in love..........

Picture - Sometimes..........

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 06:59:48 EDT

Sometimes.....

Nurses

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 03:57:48 EDT

All the new nurses listened as the doctor continually yelled..........

Picture - Guns..........

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 03:46:10 EDT

Guns..........

Irish Bingo

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 10:50:58 EDT

A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London . She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.......

Picture - Best Friend

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 09:58:23 EDT

Best Friend....

Bowel Problems

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 09:57:58 EDT

A man goes to the doctors and says: "I've got trouble with my bowels.".......................

Quasimodo

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 09:46:35 EDT

Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notra Dame returns home........

Picture - The three R's

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 04:27:52 EDT

The 3 R's

Picture - DearDog..........

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 04:23:34 EDT

Picture - DearDog..........

At An Irish Pub

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 04:03:35 EDT

One dark night, as a group of American tourists huddled in Nelly's..............

Quotation - "A hard man....................

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 03:58:21 EDT

"A hard man...................

Drama

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 10:31:42 EDT

Failed my audition as Romeo................

Butlers

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 09:48:23 EDT

One armed butlers...................

Friend

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 09:47:39 EDT

I've got a friend whos fallen in love.........

Two Lawyers

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 02:39:26 EDT

Two lawyers are in a bank....................

Quotation - "Reality is a hallucination.....

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 02:35:45 EDT

"Reality is a hallucination................

Picture - Mass Greek Wedding

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 14:27:42 EDT

Picture - Mass Greek Wedding

Shug Falls Off A Building

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 14:21:00 EDT

Three Glaswegians were working on a high-rise building project - Shug, Tam and Tam................

Quotation - "It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car,.....

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 07:06:55 EDT

Quotation - "It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car,.....

Golf

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 07:05:59 EDT

Betty had gotten to the golf course bright and early for a Saturday morning round of golf. All of a sudden she ran screaming towards the clubhouse and just about knocked over the golf pro.....

Picture - Evidence that slavery wasn't abolished in UK

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 18:44:59 EDT

Evidence that slavery wasn't abolished in UK

Picture - The bar was dark, lit only by a few well hidden lights near the

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 18:39:27 EDT

The bar was dark, lit only by a few well hidden lights near the ceiling.

Cardiologist Funeral

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 10:46:56 EDT

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral..........

Picture - Welcome to England

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 10:08:18 EDT

Welcome to England

Glasgow Restaurant

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 10:02:43 EDT

An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and asked the waitress what the special was. "Roast and rice," the Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue.

Quotation - " "Women are like cell phones.....

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 09:54:20 EDT

Quotation - " "Women are like cell phones.....

One a plane...

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 12:29:41 EDT

After an Air Canada flight reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced...............

Father To Son

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 16:35:14 EDT

Father to son: When I spank you, you never get angry..............

Before The Big Bang

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 16:35:34 EDT

Scientists were excited this week at having isolated a brief sound...............................

Picture pages updated

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 12:32:33 EDT

Picture pages 1 - 6 updated with additional pictures.

Viagra

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 06:46:32 EDT

As of April 2007, Viagra will only be available under its correct medical name..................

Passover

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 06:39:23 EDT

Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharaoh, and how God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians...................

Miracles

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 06:31:19 EDT

I Believe In Miracles.....

Anarchy

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 11:54:20 EDT

Q: Why do anarchists only drink herbal tea?

English Hillwalker

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 10:46:55 EDT

An English hillwalker, lost in the Highlands and desperate for food and water...................

Quotation - " AA closed mouth....

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 07:08:17 EDT

A closed mouth................

Midget

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 07:46:58 EDT

Glasgow train from Queen St to Bishopbriggs was very busy...........

Question

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 07:27:20 EDT

Is it better to have loved a short person................

Compliment

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 06:18:46 EDT

A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife,...................

Quotations - various added

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 05:55:02 EDT

I'm never going to be famous............. People who have what they want are very fond of telling people................ We attract hearts by the qualities.............

Quotation - "If someone tells you he is going to make "a realistic decision"......

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 04:35:07 EDT

Quotation - "If someone tells you he is going to make "a realistic decision"......

Angels

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 04:33:20 EDT

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory, age 5..............................

Quotation - " A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy ....

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 15:23:45 EDT

Quotation - " A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy ....

Picture -Skiing Albinos

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 15:04:17 EDT

Picture -Skiing Albinos

Teapot

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 14:52:51 EDT

Q: Two flies are in a teapot. Which one is pregnant?

Picture - A 3 kg object

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 16:40:32 EDT

Picture - A 3 kg object

Quotation - " A stupid man's report ....

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 12:25:35 EDT

A stupid man's report.................

A Good Turn

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 12:24:51 EDT

A man comes into work on a Monday with a black eye...............

True Love

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 04:00:00 EDT

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.....................

Picture - Who did that?

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 04:00:00 EDT

Picture - Who did that?

Heroes

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 04:00:00 EDT

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames.................

Quotation - " "Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone ....

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 11:00:00 EDT

"Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone ....

The Present

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 18:00:00 EDT

A woman goes to France to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip....................

Gulf War Veteran

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 18:00:00 EDT

Dragging their feet two men are approaching each other on a path.............

Dreadful News

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 15:00:00 EDT

It's been reported in the news that an Irish family froze to death..............

Irish Viagra

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 13:00:00 EDT

n Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.................

Light Bulb

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 05:00:00 EDT

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

Obituary

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 12:00:00 EDT

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read.......................

Quotation - "The trouble with jogging is that.............

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 04:00:00 EDT

"The trouble with jogging is that.............

In The Outback

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 05:00:00 EDT

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End On..............

Quotation - "The law of heredity is...........

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 04:00:00 EDT

"The law of heredity is........................

Warning.....

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 16:00:00 EDT

Picture - Warning!

On A Stormy Night

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 16:00:00 EDT

t was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner........................

Should I Be Concerned?

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 15:00:00 EDT

Inscribed in stone over the great front doors of an old church........

Say It With Flowers

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 15:00:00 EDT

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers..............................

Whistle

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 15:00:00 EDT

Old man Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park. They sat down on a bench to rest for awhile, and soon began to overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby..............

Blonde

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 15:00:00 EDT

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building............

Quotation - "The young always have the same problem....

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 15:00:00 EDT

"The young always have the same problem............

The perfect man....

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 15:00:00 EDT

The perfect man....

What our office needs....

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 15:00:00 EDT

Picture - What our office needs....

Always give 100% at work

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 15:00:00 EDT

Picture - Always give 100% at work

Quotation - "Giving money and power to governments

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 04:00:00 EDT

"Giving money and power to governments............

Quotation - "He who laughs last

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 04:00:00 EDT

"He who laughs last..................................."

Irish Medical Alert

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 07:00:00 EDT

An Irish woman was admitted to Hospital today after having phone sex.....................

Picture - Wright Field Fitness

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 05:00:00 EDT

Picture - Wright Field Fitness

Picture - Touched by a Bishop.....

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 05:00:00 EDT

Picture - Touched by a Bishop.....

Quotation - "I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young....

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 05:00:00 EDT

"I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young...........

Computer Spouses

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 12:00:00 EDT

Email Spouse Of every ten things they say, nine are nonsense.................

Now we know why the No. 1 engine keeps shutting down

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 12:00:00 EDT

Now we know why the No. 1 engine keeps shutting down

Bono

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 10:00:00 EDT

Bono is at a U2 concert in Halifax, Nova Scotia, when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands..........................

Holiday Complaints

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 10:00:00 EDT

According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holidaymakers are just never satisfied. Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer complaints received by the firm in recent years: 1 On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all..................

Wife In A Million!

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 07:00:00 EDT

Wife In A Million!

"Hard work spotlights the character of people:

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 06:00:00 EDT

"Hard work spotlights the character of people..................."

Who Am I?

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 04:00:00 EDT

One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighboorhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and whiskey bottles..................

Neighbours

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 04:00:00 EDT

A mountain farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighbouring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12 opened the door...................

Ferrari Announcement

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 04:00:00 EDT

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some Belfast youngsters.....................

Top 20 Replies From Programmers When Their Programs Do Not Work

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 03:00:00 EDT

20. "That's weird..." 19. "It's never done that before......................."

New Picture - Reading Test For Boys

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 11:00:00 EDT

Reading Test......

New Picture - Home Schooling.....

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 11:00:00 EDT

Home Schooling

And An Angel.................

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 05:00:00 EDT

The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. "Now, all you have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing '...and the angel lit the candle', you come on stage and light all the candles." "I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy said, excited to be the one picked...........................

Quotation - "In my day, we couldn't afford shoes,

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 03:00:00 EDT

"In my day, we couldn't afford shoes............................

Blood

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 12:00:00 EDT

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment........

Gothmopolitan....

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 11:00:00 EDT

Gothmopolitan.....

The first dog whistle...

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 11:00:00 EDT

The First Dog Whistle.....

"Tolerance is a great trait to contain......

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 11:00:00 EDT

"Tolerance is a great trait to contain..........

"Every man is a fool for at least five minutes every day...

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 10:00:00 EDT

"Every man is a fool for at least five minutes every day..............

Take It!

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 10:00:00 EDT

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" "My wife is poisoning me..........."

"One of the hardest things....

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 06:00:00 EDT

"One of the hardest things..............

Every Little Helps....

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 06:00:00 EDT

Added to Pictures 1

Love In The Kitchen

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 05:00:00 EDT

She is in the kitchen preparing breakfast. He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me-this very moment." His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day........................"

Asda Announcement

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 03:00:00 EDT

Oh yus, I still cannot believe they fell for it! :O)

Hillary Poll

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 07:00:00 EDT

The Democratic National Committee is currently polling Americans through the internet to determine the electability of Hillary Clinton for the presidency of the United States in 2008..................

Constipation

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 07:00:00 EDT

The MSer went to his doctor to see what could be done about his constipation. "It's terrible," he said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week.........................................."

Quotation - A word to the wise

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 05:00:00 EDT

"A word to the wise isn't necessary............................

Government

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 05:00:00 EDT

Just in case you don't understand how a "Government" program works, here is a perfect example: Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.................................

53,000 Geordies

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 05:00:00 EDT

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" convention............................

New Viagra

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 09:36:47 EDT

New Viagra Heard about the new viagra eyedrops????????????????????

Two Executives

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 09:28:40 EDT

Two executives working in the garment centre are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, 'Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life................................'

Never

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 07:17:07 EDT

Never buy a stupid dwarf ...............

Fax?

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 06:23:04 EDT

A judge has just called in all the legal counsel to explain that he had inadvertently left his notes................................

The first sign of maturity....

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 09:37:39 EDT

"The first sign of maturity........

Pot Pourri - A Mixture Of All Flavours Of Humour

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 05:55:42 EDT

Depressed Dyslexic..........

Squiffy's Medical Files

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 05:19:56 EDT

Precautions

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his intimate life.................

Time

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results............................

Funny Pictures - 1

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 09:50:21 EDT

New pictures added today Geek Keyboard......

Conneticut..............

Intelligence............

Me..................

A Man's Guide To PMS......

The Sensitive Man........

Charlotte's Other Web.....

Jokes you can tell your Granny

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 05:35:04 EDT

Beware of the Dog Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.........

Groaners

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 05:17:54 EDT

The Inheritance Bjorn Swensen opened his mailbox to find a letter from a law firm........

Novice Nun The young novice nun soon realised that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem..................

I wish I'd said that! Famous Quotations 1

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 04:49:54 EDT

Quotations added

I wish I'd said that! Famous Quotations 1

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 17:27:52 EDT

New quotations added,,,,,,,,

Religion

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 17:19:18 EDT

New joke added. Minister's Wife Two ministers were discussing immorality..........

Funny Pictures

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 17:02:15 EDT

New pictures added.